DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.18 - LIAISONS

(formatted by Amanda)

MIKE'S HOUSE

Carlos and Edie are lying in bed, backs to each other, obviously naked underneath the sheets.

Mary Alice: "Edie Britt had always thought of herself as passionate. Aggressively...relentlessly...violently passionate. Carlos Solis had always thought of himself as passionate. Romantically...spontaneously...constantly passionate. So it was natural for Edie and Carlos to assume that if they ever had sex, it would be amazing. And, in fact, it was amazingly bad."

They turn over and face each other.

Edie: "Morning."

Carlos: "Morning."

Edie: "So, uh, last night...wow."

Carlos: "Yeah, I know. Super wow.

Edie: "Is that clock right?"

Carlos: "Oh, man, I gotta get work."

Edie: "Yeah! I gotta get home."

Carlos: "So, uh...oh, we should do this again."

Edie: "Oh, definitely. Yeah, this week doesn't seem to be that great. Maybe..."

Carlos: "Next week, I'm swamped."

Edie: "Well, we'll figure something out."

It was at that moment Eddie and Carlos had the exact same thought...

Edie: "Thank you."

Carlos: "Thank you."

Mary Alice: "They would definitely be having sex again...just not with each other."

OPENING CREDITS

Mary Alice: "It's so easy to spot the lonely ones..."

Ida Greenburg talks to the plant she's trimming.

Ida: "It wasn't the first time..."

Mary Alice: "They're the people who tell stories to their plants..."

Kayla whispers into the Scavo dog's ear.

Kayla: "I kind of like him."

Mary Alice: "...and whisper secrets to their pets..."

Kayla: "...ask him to be my boyfriend if he wants."

Mary Alice: "...and have arguments with their TV..."

A man slouches in his easy chair, watching TV.

Man: "Get him off the court! He was running like his feet are made out of lead!"

Mary Alice: "...and the loneliest of all are the ones who talk to people..."

MRS. MCCLUSKEY'S HOUSE

Mrs. McCluskey is in her basement, holding onto a portable phone.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Do you know what I think, Gilbert?"

Mary Alice: "People who are no longer there."

Mrs. McCluskey looks over at a framed photograph of her husband, Gilbert, and herself.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Phone's gonna ring any second. It's gonna be Lynette begging me to come over early. Did I tell you that Tom had surgery on his back last week? That idiot's flat on his ass while Lynette brings home the bacon again. Eh, I shouldn't judge. Plenty of people didn't get what I saw in you. I won't name names...my sister Gayle. I always told her that beneath all the name-calling and the dish-throwing, we really loved each other."

She reaches into a freezer and pulls out a popsicle. The phone rings.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Betcha fifty bucks it's Lynette. Hello?"

She smiles and looks upward.

Mrs. McCluskey: "You lose, Gilbert. What's up?"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is on the phone with Mrs. McCluskey, rushing around the house.

Lynette: "I have to get to the restaurant early. Is there any you could come over and get the kids off to school?" (to the twins) "Hey, why am I seeingpajamas? Get dressed!" (into the phone) "Yeah, they are ready to go. So what do you say? Oh, great! Thanks. I owe you big-time. Okay, bye."

Lynette hangs up and walks into the dining room, where Tom is lying propped up on a hospital bed.

Lynette: "All right, I am heading out of here. Wish me luck."

Tom: "More interviews this morning?"

Lynette: "Yeah, but don't worry. I am gonna find you the assistant manager of your dreams."

Tom: "Are you sure? Because the last ten résumés you showed me..."

Lynette: "Yeah, I know, I know. Bottom of the barrel, convicts and losers. You were clear about that last night."

Tom: "And make sure that they really know how to wrangle the employees. Like Kim...she never buses her tables."

Lynette: "I'm the one that told you that."

Tom: "Oh. Yeah, right. Hey, honey, I had an idea about the specials for today. I was thinking goat cheese and mushrooms."

Lynette: "Oh, for God sake, Tom! I'm gonna be late for this interview. I really should go."

Tom: "Honey, I'm sorry. I know I am driving you crazy."

Lynette: "No."

Tom: "It's just that I'm feeling so guilty laying here, totallyworthless, While you run the restaurant and the house."

Lynette: "It's okay. I am gonna find a way to make this all work and you just get better."

The doorbell rings.

Lynette: "Mrs. McCluskey. Perfect timing."

Tom: "Hey, make sure you have your cell phone with you. Then while you're interviewing, I'll call, you can conference me in."

Lynette: "That is a great idea!"

She picks up the portable phone and then answers the door.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi!"

Lynette: "Hi."

Lynette shows Mrs. McCluskey the phone.

Lynette: "At some point, Tom's gonna ask you to look for this. You will not find it."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Great."

Lynette: "Love you!"

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie is sitting on the couch and Travers hands her a glass with beer in it.

Travers: "Here's your beer."

Edie: "Oh! Good job, chipmunk. No foam this time."

Travers: "I tipped the glass just like you told me to."

Edie: "I think someone's ready to salt his first margarita glass."

Travers: "Mommy, do you have trouble going to sleep?"

Edie: "No. Why do you ask?"

Travers: "'Cause I heard Carlos say you were bad in bed."

Edie: "What?! Why'd he say that?"

Travers: "Do you have nightmares?"

Edie: "Okay, sweetie, I need you to focus. What exactly did Carlos say, and who did he say it to?"

Travers: "I went to get my soccer ball from his yard. He was on the phone talking to someone. So what does "bad in bed" mean?"

Edie: "Well, it means that you're not good at making...your bed. And mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because... trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy."

Travers: "If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed."

Edie: "That's fine, sweetie. Uh, if you want to help mommy, just, um...top off her breakfast."

FARMER'S MARKET

Ian is picking through an orange stand while on his cell phone.

Ian: "Susan, I'm, uh, by the orange stand. Where are you? The cheese stand? No, I don't mind you going back for free samples. But if you like it so much, why don't you just buy some? Yeah, of course, you're right. It always tastes better when it's free. Okay, then please hurry."

He hangs up and notices that Mike has come up next to him and is looking through the oranges, too.

Ian: "Hello."

Mike: "Hey."

Ian: "Boy, you're everywhere these days."

Mike: "Excuse me?"

Ian: "Well, yesterday, Susan and I ran into you at the post office. Last week, the movies. One might think you're following us."

Mike: "Trust me, one has better things to do than follow you around."

Ian: "And yet here you are... again."

Mike: "Ian, Fairview's a small town. You want distance? Move to the city."

SUSAN'S CAR

Susan is driving home with Ian in the passenger's seat.

Susan: "You've been awfully quiet since we left the market. Is everything okay?"

Ian: "Um, well, since you ask, I'm having some problems at work."

Susan: "Really?"

Ian: "Yes, we're in the midst of some corporate restructuring. I'm gonna have to spend more time in London."

Susan: "Oh. Okay."

Ian: "And I was thinking, maybe you and I should just...relocate."

Susan: "To London? Permanently?"

Ian: "I know it's sudden, but..."

Susan: "Yeah, it's sudden. My whole life is here. I mean, my friends. You know, Julie is still in school..."

Ian: "Susan!"

He points to the road where a deer is standing in front of them. Susan gasps and swerves to avoid the deer. The car drives off the road and flips upside down into a lake.

LAKE

Susan and Ian manage to get out of the car and they stay above water by holding onto the sinking car.

Susan: "Oh, my God. Are you okay?"

Ian: "I'm fine. I'm fine."

Susan: "I can feel the car sinking. We're gonna have to get to shore."

Ian: "How deep do you think this water is?"

Susan: "Deep enough. Come on! Let's move!"

Ian: "I can't swim."

Susan: "What?! You said you played water polo!"

Ian: "I said polo with horses!"

Susan: "How can you not know how to swim? Didn't you go to summer camp?"

Ian: "I stayed in the canoe. Let it go!"

Susan: "Okay, don't panic. Just grab onto my neck, and I'll swim for the both of us."

Ian: "I'm twice your size. We might drown. Let's just stay here and think of something else."

Susan: "If you stay here, you'll definitely drown. You see how my plan is better?"

On the road, Mike drives by. He stops his car, gets out of the car, and removes his shirt, preparing to jump in.

Susan: "Look, there's somebody on the shore! It's Mike! He's here."

Ian: "Of course he is."

Later, Mike is pulling Ian to shore while Susan swims next to them. When they reach land, Ian pulls away.

Ian: "I can walk from here!"

Mike: "Sorry. You were just gripping me so tight."

Susan: "Oh, my God. Mike, you saved our lives."

Mike pulls out a bundle of cheese from his pocket.

Susan: "And our cheese! Ian, can you believe it? Mike saved our cheese!"

Ian: "Yes, he's...he's quite the hero."

Mike: "Good thing I was following you."

SCAVO RESTAURANT

Lynette escorts a potential" title="n.&a.潜在的；可能的">potential assistant manager out of the restaurant.

Lynette: "Arnie, thanks for coming in. We will definitely keep you in mind."

Andrew: "Come on. What was wrong with that guy?"

Lynette: "He kept asking what we do with the food people don't eat."

Andrew: "All right, so he's a fat loser. I mean, who'd you expect to get for eight fifty an hour?"

Lynette: "Well, that's what we pay you, and you seem happy enough."

Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette: "My fault for asking."

She goes over to the bar where more applicants are waiting.

Lynette: "Rick Coletti?"

Rick: "That's me."

Lynette: "Great. Come on over. Your application?"

Rick: "One second."

He picks up a piece of chalk next to the mini chalkboard advertising the day's specials and adds an "E" to the end of "Calzon."

Rick: "That's been bothering me. Sorry."

Lynette: "No. It's great you can spell. You are now officially the front-runner."

Rick: "Yeah, my, uh, grandma came over from Naples. I've been making calzones since before you were born."

Lynette: "How old do you think I am?"

Rick: "Thirty? Thirty-one?"

Lynette: "Not afraid to shamelessly ass kiss. You are doing very well."

Rick: "Great, you wanna skip ahead to the part where you hire me?"

Lynette: "Well, I should probably take a look at your application first. Okay, don't be afraid if you don't have a ton of experience. I realize for what we're paying, we're not exactly gonna get a...you were a sous-chef at Cucina? That's a five-star restaurant."

Rick: "Actually four."

Lynette: "Which is four more than we have."

Rick: "Yeah, but this place his character and charm, and...a beautiful owner."

Lynette: "But seriously, why would a four-star chef wanna slum at a pizza joint?"

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom is lying in his hospital bed.

Tom: "Mrs. McCluskey!"

Mrs. McCluskey: "I'm right here! Keep your shirt on."

Tom: "I need another pill. And please, tell the kids to turn down the TV."

Mrs. McCluskey: "I yell, they turn it down. I walk away, they turn it up. Vicious circle."

Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Can I beat 'em?"

Tom: "No."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied."

Lynette comes home.

Lynette: "Hi! I'm home! And I've got good news. I found a new manager."

Tom: "That's terrific."

Lynette: "Yeah, his name is Rick Coletti, And he was a sous-chef at Cucina."

Tom: "Cucina? Why does he wanna work at our place?"

Lynette: "Yeah, I had that exact same thought. And to be honest, he has a history."

Tom: "History?"

Lynette: "You know how stressful it is working in a four-star restaurant, and he, like many chefs, started using cocaine just to stay ahead..."

Tom: "No way."

Lynette: "Clean for almost a year."

Tom: "We're not the Betty Ford clinic!"

Lynette: "No, I know, but I've got a really good feeling about this guy, And all he wants is a fresh start."

Tom: "I am not gonna hire a junkie who's gonna turn around and...and then hock our jukebox just to feed his habit. Here, go find somebody else."

Lynette: "I can't find somebody else. I've interviewed fifty guys and this junkie happens to be the best of the bunch. Seriously, Tom, I don't know how much longer I..."

Tom: "Please, can we just talk about this later? I'm in a lot of pain right now."

Lynette: "I'm sorry."

Tom: "Please, just do what I am asking."

Lynette: "Fine. I'll, uh, keep looking."

OUTSIDE GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle and Victor walk slowly up the porch steps to the front door.

Gabrielle: "I had such a good time tonight. Who knew you could dance?"

Victor: "It's of my many talents. I'll tell you what. You invite me in for a drink, I'll show you another one."

Gabrielle: "Not tonight, thanks."

Victor: "So you would tango with a man and then not he sex with him? You know that's actually against the law in Argentina. Come on. We both know it's gonna happen eventually."

Gabrielle: "And every time you say that, eventually gets a little further away. Stop begging, or I'm not going to your rally tomorrow."

Victor: "Fine. I can be patient. As far as I'm concerned, the chase is half the fun."

Gabrielle: "Half the fun? Oh, honey, if I ever do say yes...you're gonna adjust that percentage way down."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Susan is eating from a plate of cheese and fruit while lying in bed. Ian comes over.

Ian: "You can't possibly be eating more cheese."

Susan: "What, you've never heard of a midnight snack? Unless you can think of something else that I can nibble on."

Ian: "Slide over, you cheddar-breath tease."

They begin to kiss and Ian notices a gift bag with a thank you card attached to it.

Ian: "Oh, what's that?"

Susan: "It's a thank you gift for Mike."

Ian: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we already thank him at the shore, And again when he dropped us off at home?"

Susan: "I don't think you can really thank somebody too many times For saving your life."

Ian: "I wish you'd stop saying that."

Susan: "Saying what?"

Ian: "That he saved my life. I'm fairly certain I could've survived without his help. And if anyone did any lifesaving, it was me."

Susan: "You?"

Ian: "Yes. If hadn't warned you about the deer, It would've gone straight through the windshield, And you would've ended up with an antler through your brain."

Susan: "Okay, that's a good point."

Ian: "Thank you."

Susan: "But we were in a bit of a jam there, and...I don't think you should be embarrassed for needing a little help."

Ian: "I'm not embarrassed, and I don't feel emasculated, either."

Susan: "Emasculated? Who said emasculated? And why are you not kissing me now?"

Ian: "I'm ready when you are."

They begin to kiss. Ian catches sight of the bag again and aggressively rolls Susan over, pinning her to the bed. He begins kissing her more passionately.

Susan: "I guess we're gonna cut right to the..."

Later, Ian and Susan are sitting up in bed, not touching.

Susan: "Don't worry. Happens to everybody. Maybe it would help to talk about it."

Ian: "No. I don't want to talk about it."

Susan: "All right. We won't talk about it. Want some cheese?"

OUTSIDE MIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHTTIME

Carlos is getting out of his car when Edie comes storming up to him.

Carlos: "Hey, how are you?"

Edie: "I'm good. Well, you might not think so, but... I am good. Where in the hell do you get off telling people that I am bad in bed?!"

Carlos: "I never said that!"

Edie: "Travers heard you on the phone!"

Carlos: "Okay, I'm sorry. I was talking to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories."

Edie: "And to think that I went out of my way to spare your feelings!"

Carlos: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."

Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?"

Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"

Carlos: "Oh, come on!"

Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."

Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."

Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferioropponent, your game suffers."

Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

Edie: "Maybe."

Carlos: "So you wanna do it again?"

Edie: "If it'll shut you up...I'll fall on that grenade."

Carlos: "There's gonna be an explosion. Come on."

They grab at each other and begin kissing. Once inside the house, Edie pushes Carlos against the refrigerator. A pepper shaker falls on his head and he winces. He grabs Edie and swipes the dishes off of the table, then throws her down on top of it. She cries out and then removes a fork that she landed on.

HOSPITAL

Edie and Carlos sit on separate examining tables while a doctor finishes writing out a prescription.

Doctor: "I'm prescribing a mild painkiller for your back and I will see you in a week to remove those stitches."

Carlos: "Great."

Doctor: "So...how'd you folks get so banged up? Car accident?"

Edie: "Bad sex."

Carlos: "Really bad."

The doctor hands Edie the prescription and leaves the room.

Edie: "Thanks."

Carlos: "God, what a disaster."

Edie: "Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best."

Carlos: "How so?"

Edie: "We got it out of our system. Now we can go back to being friends. I mean, we like hanging out, and Travers adores you."

Carlos: "Yeah, and I wouldn't wanna ruin that. Still, it doesn't make any sense."

Edie: "Oh, I know. I'm hot. You're hot. On paper, we should be having great sex."

Carlos: "Well, we could always try again."

They look at each other.

Carlos: "Yeah, me neither."

CAMPAIGN RALLY

A speaker is introducing Victor to a large crowd of people. Gabrielle sits in the front row, reading a fashion magazine.

Speaker: "This town is hungry for change..."