DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - 03.23 - GETTING MARRIED TODAY

(formatted by Amanda)

DRESSING ROOM

Gabrielle is getting dressed for her wedding with Susan and Lynette helping her.

Mary Alice: "When Gabrielle Solis agreed to marry Victor Lang, she was determined to have a very traditional wedding. She was even more determined to be a very traditional bride. To that end, the handkerchief in her cleavage was borrowed, the garter on her leg was blue, and the diamonds on her ears were old. But sadly for Gabrielle, something was missing, and she was about to throw a traditional fit."

Gabrielle: "It is after three o'clock! Where the hell is Bree with my something new?"

Lynette: "I know her plane landed on time. She'll probably be here any second."

Gabrielle: "God, I should have my head examined for even agreeing to this. Who the hell cares about Swiss jewelry anyway?"

Susan: "Gaby, Bree went out of her way to buy you that bracelet."

Gabrielle: "And, of course, it's the hottest day of the year. All the guests are out there sweating like pigs. God, at this rate, my reception's gonna look like the finish line of the Boston marathon."

Lynette: "If you're that freaked out, just get married without the bracelet."

Gabrielle: "Are you out of your mind? I can't get married without my something new."

Susan: "Oh, I have an idea. I just got a lipstick yesterday. You could wear that."

Gabrielle: "I just paid a makeup artist five hundred bucks to do my face. Do you really think I wanna march down the aisle looking like I just ate a Popsicle?"

Susan: "Okay, it's your big day, so I'm gonna let that slide."

Gabrielle: "God, it is ten after, and Bree is never late! Where can she be? All right, that's it. After I finish "tszujing" my hair, tell the preacher it's show time. I can't believe my wedding's already ruined, and it hasn't even started."

Gabrielle leaves.

Lynette: "Hey, I'm starting to get worried about Bree. Maybe we should call."

Susan: "Yeah. I'm calling her cell. It's ringing."

Lynette: "Oh, good."

They hear a ringing phone in the room. They turn around and Bree is standing there.

Lynette: "Bree!"

Susan: "Oh, wow!"

Bree: "Hello, ladies."

Gabrielle comes back into the room.

Gabrielle: "Is that Bree? She better not has come empty-handed!"

Bree: "Oh, I didn't."

Bree holds up a bracelet.

Mary Alice: "As promised, Bree had arrived with something new."

Gabrielle: "Holy crap!"

Mary Alice: "And she also..."

It's revealed that Bree is pregnant.

Mary Alice: "...brought the bracelet."

OPENING CREDITS

Three Days Earlier

Family...there is nothing more important. They're the ones we want to laugh with during the good times...and the ones we need to console us during the bad. And even though the time comes when they have to leave us, their voices still linger in our minds. And sometimes we can't help but listen.

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie and Carlos are lying on the bed, passionately kissing. Next to the bed is Edie's dead mother, knitting.

Edie's Mother: "A tangled web-- that's what you're weaving."

Edie: "Beat it, mother."

Edie's Mother: "You really think this little scheme of yours is gonna work?"

Edie: "Of course it will. Look at him. He's practically in love with me already."

Edie's Mother: "That's because he thinks you're gonna give him a baby. Wait till he finds out you're still on the pill."

Edie: "Oh, shut up, would you?"

Edie's Mother: "I just thank the good lord your father didn't live to see this."

Edie: "Well, neither did you. You died alone in a trailer park watching game shows. And why should I listen to you?"

Edie's Mother: "'Cause I know what's waiting for you, missy. This one's gonna leave you like all the others. You're going to end up old and alone, just like I did."

Edie wakes up suddenly from her dream. She's alone in bed.

Edie: "Carlos? Carlos!"

Carlos: "Down here, babe! I'm making you a fruit smoothie."

The doorbell rings. Carlos answers it to find Gabrielle standing on the porch.

Gabrielle: "Chicken or fish?"

Carlos: "What?"

Gabrielle: "I haven't gotten your reply card back yet. So chicken or fish?"

Carlos: "Oh! Right, your wedding. I can't go."

Gabrielle: "Why not?"

Carlos: "I'm a jinx. I went to your last wedding, and look how that turned out. Come on, Gaby. We both know it'd be weird if I went."

Gabrielle: "Okay, maybe a little, but it'll be weirder if you don't."

Carlos: "Excuse me?"

Gabrielle: "Look, everyone knows you're living with Edie. If she shows up alone, people will think I asked her not to bring you, like it bugs me that you guys are together."

Carlos: "But it does bug you. You hit the roof when you found out."

Gabrielle: "Which is why I have to show people that I'm okay with it. Please, just consider it my wedding gift."

Carlos: "Okay, but I'm skipping the ceremony."

Gabrielle: "What? And just go to the reception? You can't do that."

Carlos: "I don't want to make a scene. You'll vow, till death do us part, I'll bust out laughing, people will stare..."

Gabrielle: "Reception starts at four."

SUSAN'S HOUSE

Mike is sitting at the table while Susan looks through wedding brochures.

Susan: "I'm thinking a chocolate fountain would be a cool centerpiece to a dessertbuffet."

Mike: "Dessert buffet? We're having a wedding cake, right? Isn't that dessert?"

Susan: "Yeah, but you have to give people a choice. Don't you think a chocolate fountain would be elegant?"

Mike: "I don't know...you, a big white dress, melted chocolate. Am I the only one hearing alarm bells?"

Susan: "Fine, we'll skip the chocolate. How about a champagne fountain? Oh, I know! Maybe we can make the champagne flow through the ice sculpture."

Mike: "Don't you think we might be going a little over-the-top?"

Susan: "Mike, these are all fairly standard wedding features. Now you name one thing that you think is going over-the-top."

Mike: "How about the dove wrangler?"

Susan: "Well, the doves are not going to release themselves."

Mike: "Do we really need forty of 'em?"

Susan: "Okay, I know that you think I'm being silly, but all of our friends went to Bree's wedding, and now they're going to Gaby's. Two months from now, do we really want them thinking ours wasn't as nice?"

Mike: "It seems to me our friends wouldn't be there to make petty comparisons. They'd be there to celebrate our love."

Susan: "You would think that, but no. Come on. This is something that we have both looked forward to for so long. Don't you want it to be perfect?"

Mike: "Oh, I guess. About the doves, though..."

Susan: "What?"

Mike: "You in a wedding gown, forty birds circling overhead? Again, not liking those odds."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Lynette is sitting at the kitchen table while on the phone. Tom prepares breakfast.

Lynette: "Oh, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's, um, Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and apparently, if you're going to get lymphoma, that's the kind you want."

She gets up and walks to the doorway to yell up the stairs.

Lynette: "Hey, you wanna hold it down up there, kids? I'm trying to talk to your Aunt Lucy! Thank you!"

She sits back down at the table.

Lynette: "Anyway, I know I said that we would come and visit you this June, but I'll be a little woozy and...bald from the chemo, so...thanks for understanding. Oh, one more thing--our insurance policy has a really high deductible, so we are strapped financially, and I was wondering if maybe you and Dave might be able to...oh, really? No, I am not asking mom. She doesn't know about any of this, so don't you tell her, okay? We'll be fine. I love you. Bye."

She hangs up the phone.

Tom: "I take it that's a no on the loan?"

Lynette: "Yep. Dave lost his job at the plant, and he is now handing out flyers at a chicken restaurant, and--prepare to wince-- there is a chicken suit involved."

Tom: "Ouch."

Lynette: "So where are we gonna find this ten thousand dollars?"

Tom: "You leave that to me. I want you to focus on getting better."

Lynette: "But, honey--"

Tom: "I will find it. Meanwhile, we'll make some sacrifices around here. My tennis club membership is up this month. I'm not renewing."

Lynette: "Should you even be playing tennis after your back surgery?"

Tom: "Probably not."

Lynette: "Well, in that spirit, as soon as I start chemo, I will be giving up shampoo."

Tom: "Okay, thanks."

SWITZERLAND HOTEL

Bree is packing up her toiletries while Orson packs their suitcases.

Orson: "Taxi's here. Are you sure you're ready to go back? We could wait another week."

Bree: "And miss Gaby's wedding? No, I'll be fine."

Orson: "Is, uh, this the dress you were thinking for the ceremony?"

He holds up a pink dress.

Bree: "Yes."

Orson: "Oh, good. I'll fold it in tissue so it doesn't wrinkle."

Bree: "Oh, darling, I don't deserve you."

Orson: "Oh, come on. We agreed--no more tears."

Bree: "I'm so sorry to be putting you through this. I-I wouldn't blame you if you ran like hell and never looked back."

Orson: "Stop. I'm going to raise this child and love it as if it were my own. Now let's see a smile."

Bree smiles.

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE

Gabrielle, Victor, and Victor's father, Milton, are eating dinner.

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm glad you could join us, Milton. It's good to get to know you before the wedding."

Milton: "Thank you. You know, I must say, all these months, I thought Victor was exaggerating about you. But he hasn't done you justice. You, my dear, are a flawless beauty."

Gabrielle: "I'm hardly flawless. I'm sure I have a blemish hidden away somewhere."

Milton: "Now that's a search I would relish."

Victor: "She is way out of your league, dad."

Gabrielle: "Honey, he's a multimillionaire. He runs my league."

Milton: "By the way, Victor, I, uh, ran into Keith Perkinson last week."

Victor: "And how is the venerable state chairman?"

Milton: "Impressed with you. He liked the way you ran your moral campaign, said if you keep your numbers up, he might consider supporting you in the next governor's race."

Victor: "Really?"

Gabrielle starts to laugh.

Victor: "What's so funny?"

Gabrielle: "You gotta be kidding, right? I mean, we just finished a campaign. You're not about to put me through another one."

Victor: "But I thought you loved campaigning."

Gabrielle: "God, no. It's a complete snore. Pasting a smile on my face while you say the same speech for the fiftieth time?"

Victor: "But you were a natural. People loved you."

Gabrielle: "Well, the feeling wasn't mutual. You think I enjoyed sipping tea with these frumpy matrons who wore loud, polyblend pantsuits? You know how many times I just wanted to scream, "vote for my husband, you color-blind cow!"?"

Milton: "I think you've discovered something very important about democracy, my dear--the nation is full of fools, and everyone gets a vote."

Gabrielle: "Well, they're not gonna get us again. I made nice with Fairview. I'm not about to suck up to the whole damn state."

SUSAN'S HOUSE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Susan wakes up to an empty bed. She looks over to the closet where Mike is pulling on his clothes.

Susan: "What are you doing?"

Mike: "Some guy out in Mount Pleasant's got a cracked water heater."

Susan: "It's three o'clock in the morning."

Mike: "Well, I started advertising as a twenty-four-hour plumber. After midnight, I get triple time."

Susan: "Okay, well, that's crazy. You can't work round the clock. It's not healthy."

Mike: "Well, this is the third night I've worked this week. I'm fine so far."

Susan: "You've been sneaking out while I've been asleep? What are you, ninja plumber?"

Mike: "It's just for a little while, earn some extra money."

Susan: "Is this about the wedding?"

Mike: "We agreed we want it to be nice."

Susan: "But we didn't agree on this. Maybe I can scale things back a bit."

Mike: "How? Have a ginger ale fountain? Make paper doves and hope it's windy?"

Susan: "Okay, seriously, you don't have to kill yourself. I could max out my credit card."

Mike: "Is that really how you want to start our life together--in debt?"

Susan: "No, I wanna start out happy. But clearly, you're upset, and I don't know why."

Mike: "I'm not Ian. I can't afford to move you into a mansion or fly you off to Paris, but I'll be damned if I don't give you the same dream wedding he would have given you. I'll see you in the morning."

He leaves.

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

The doorbell rings. Lynette answers it to find her mother, Stella, standing there.

Stella: "Where the hell do you get off having cancer and not telling me about it?!"

Lynette: "Mom..."

Stella: "How do you think you could handle this without me?"

Tom comes over.

Tom: "Stella?"

Stella: "Oh, there's my Tommy boy! Come here!"

They hug.

Stella: "Oh! God. Oh, listen, be a love, will you, honey, and get my bags from the cab?"

Tom: "Bags? She's staying?"

Stella: "Yep. And do not tip the driver. S.O.B. wouldn't let me smoke."

She walks into the living room where the kids are drawing.

Stella: "Jeez, Lynette, I didn't know you opened a day care center. Hey, kids, grandma's here."

The kids don't say anything.

Stella: "Okay, what did you tell them about me?"

Lynette: "It's been five years, mom. They don't remember you."

Stella: "Well, they'll remember me this time. I brought presents."

Kids: "Cool!"

Stella: "Hey...for you, and...you, and you."

She hands books to the three boys.

Parker: "These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these."

Stella: "Well, I'm too old to remember what the hell six-year-olds like to play with."

Twin: "We're eight."

Stella: "What do I care?"

Lynette: "Just say thank you."

Kids: "Thank you."

She sees Kayla.

Stella: "Oh, who's the pretty thing? (to Parker) Your girlfriend?"

Parker: "No! She's my sister!"

Stella: "Oh. Is that Tom's little b-a-s-t-a--"

Tom: "Okay, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs. Come on, Penny. Come on, sweetie. Let's go, everybody."

Tom leads the kids upstairs.

Lynette: "Listen, mom, I really appreciate you coming to help, but as you can see, I'm perfectly fine."

Stella: "For now. Now how you gonna handle that mob when you're flat on your ass from chemo?"

Lynette: "I'll manage. You got through breast cancer while raising the three of us alone."

Stella: "I was not alone. I had you."

Tom comes back downstairs.

Stella: "Lynette was all of thirteen, and she still looked after her sisters, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, and I was curled up in a ball, puking my guts out."

Lynette: "Well, that's what you get when you mix chemo and vodka gimlets."

Stella: "You can goad me all you like, Lynette. I did not come here to fight. Now trust me, cookie, I have memorized the whole catalog of subjects you and I can no longer discuss, and if that means that we have to talk about the weather for three months, then fine. But I am staying. Now...if you'll excuse me, I have to go kick a child out of its room."

She goes upstairs.

EDIE'S HOUSE

Edie and Carlos have just finished making love. Carlos lifts Edie's legs so that she's lying on her back, legs in the air.

Carlos: "Okay. Legs up!"

Edie: "Oh, you wanna do it again?"

Carlos: "No. I've been doing a lot of research, and gravity helps facilitate the sperm reaching the eggs. So...heave-ho!"

Edie: "Oh! Well, could we try a little light spooning before you hang me up like a side of beef?"

Carlos: "Edie, we're trying to have a baby."

Edie: "Well, could we be a little less clinical? Maybe let nature take its course?"

Carlos: "Nature is not on our side anymore. Look, you're no spring chicken, and those eggs aren't exactly farm-fresh."

Edie: "Okay, stop referring to me as poultry."

Carlos: "Sorry. Can we just try this? It's only for thirty minutes."

Edie: "Thirty minutes?! I am not staying in this position for a half an hour."

Carlos: "Listen, I know that this requires some work, but it will all be worth it when we have our beautiful, beautiful baby. Right?"

Edie: "Right. I guess I could...make some sacrifices."

Carlos: "That's my girl. Can I get you anything?"

Edie: "Yeah. I'd kill for a beer."

Carlos: "Sorry. No alcohol."

Edie: "What? For how long?"

Carlos: "Just until the baby's born. Oh, and you stop nursing. Don't worry. I'll get you a nice herbal tea."

LYNETTE'S HOUSE

Tom and Lynette are getting ready for bed.

Tom: "It's just for a few months while you're in treatment. We're--we're gonna have to find someone to watch the kids."

Lynette: "No! I am not leaving that woman in charge of our children. In three months, the twins will be chain-smoking, and Penny will be an alcoholic. We can manage. We've got McCluskey."

Tom: "She costs money--money that we won't have if we're paying someone to replace you at work."

Lynette: "You said not to worry about money, that you'd find it somewhere."

Tom: "I did."

Lynette: "What, someone loaned us ten thousand dollars?"

Tom: "No, gave us, and we can't thank her by kicking her out."

Lynette: "No! Tom, you didn't ask my mother?!"

Tom: "Didn't have to. She knew that you hit up Lucy, so she offered."

Lynette: "Well, we're giving it back."

Tom: "No, we can't afford to."

Lynette: "Tom, you don't know half the stuff she did to us. She would get drunk and smack us around. She would meet some new guy and then drop us off at her sister's for a week because he wasn't into kids."

Tom: "Okay, so she was a crappy mom. You said yourself that she has mellowed. Now she wants to make amends."

Lynette: "If you would just try to understand..."

Tom: "I think that I've been pretty understanding lately."

Lynette: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Tom: "I think you know."

Lynette: "Great, so in the middle of everything I'm dealing with, you're gonna throw Rick in my face."

Tom: "When someone we love hurts us, if we still love them, we deal with it and we move on. If I can do it, so can you."

Lynette: "So forgiving my mother...that's my penance?"

Tom: "Yeah. I think it is."

Outside their bedroom, Stella walks back to her room after eavesdropping on Tom and Lynette.

VICTOR'S HOUSE

Victor is reading papers in bed when Gabrielle walks into the bedroom wearing an overcoat.

Victor: "I thought you said we weren't supposed to spend the night before the wedding together."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, I was trying to respect tradition...but I got horny."

She opens the overcoat to reveal a sexy piece of lingerie that she's wearing.

Victor: "Well, I guess we'll just have to start the honeymoon early, won't we? Let me get rid of this stuff."

Gabrielle: "What are you working on so late?"

Victor: "Nothing."

Gabrielle looks at one of the papers.

Gabrielle: "Polling data? Why are you polling? The election's over."

Victor: "It's just a little research. God, you look hot."

Gabrielle: "Is this about running for governor? Because I told you how I feel about that."

Victor: "My dad just set up a little...exploratory committee. It's no big deal."

Gabrielle: "Oh. Okay, well, let's explore it now. Nope, not gonna happen."

Victor: "Gaby--"

Gabrielle: "Victor, ever since we met, it's been photo ops and fund-raisers, and I'm sick of it."

Victor: "Well, I'm a politician. Do you think I want my career to begin and end in the suburbs?"

Gabrielle: "Fairview is my home, and I don't want to leave it. And you can't make this decision without me. I'm gonna be your wife."

Victor: "Exactly, not my career adviser."

Gabrielle: "Oh, so I don't even get a vote?"

Victor: "Not if it's a veto."

Gabrielle: "Okay, look, no! I already married a man who put his career before me, and I swore I wasn't gonna do it again."

Victor: "Well, I swore I would not let a stupid woman hold me back."

Gabrielle stares at him.

Victor: "That did not come out the way I wanted it to. I'm sorry. I'm sor--I'm really sorry. I've just been under a lot of pressure lately."

Gabrielle: "Well, here's one less thing you have to worry about-- our wedding."

Victor: "You can't cancel the wedding. It's too late."

Gabrielle: "As far as I'm concerned, it's just in the nick of time."

She leaves.

GABRIELLE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

Gabrielle opens the front door, bleary-eyed. Milton is standing on the porch.

Milton: "Good morning, Gaby."

Gabrielle: "God, Milton, the newspaper's not even here yet."