Desperate Housewives - Episode 03.01 - Listen to the Rain on the Roof

Lakeview Drive

Alma Hodge is standing in the window of a beautiful house looking out to Lakeview Drive.

"Something awful happened on Lakeview Drive last year. To understand why, you need to know that when Alma Hodge awoke that morning, she had no idea this would be the day she'd leave her husband. Certainly it began normally enough. She put away the groceries, per his instructions."

Alma places cans into the kitchen cupboard. The cans are in uniform rows with matching labels .

"She hung his dry cleaning exactly as he had requested."

Alma hangs a suit in the closet. All the men's clothing in the closet are arranged perfectly in neat sections.

"She folded the towels just as he had taught her."

Alma places folded towels into the closet. Later, she sits at the dining room table looking at her pet parrot, Baby, in his cage.

"It was just before noon..."

Alma: "Momma loves her baby. Does the baby love Momma?"

Baby: "Momma."

"...when something inside Alma broke and she decided it was time to fly away."

Alma stands in the doorway using a lint brush on her husband's suit jacket. He turns and it's Orson Hodge.

"Of course, she knew better than to say this to her husband. He thought Alma was happy. And Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted."

Alma peeks out the glass on the front door. She watches as Orson drives off.

"So she waited till he left for work."

Alma runs upstairs.

"And then..."

Alma packs her bag as fast as she can, then grabs the birdcage, and runs toward the front door.

Alma: "Oh!"

She trips and falls. The birdcage opens and the parrot flies to the balconyupstairs.

Lakeview Drive Street Corner

Orson is stopped at the stop sign. He glances down and spies dirt on his suit sleeve. He looks disgusted.

Hodge House

Alma is yelling at the parrot.

Alma: "Baby, you've gotta come down now. Momma's in a hurry,"

Baby: "Hurry. Hurry."

Outside, Orson drives up.

Alma: "If you don't get back in your cage right now, I'm gonna have to leave you behind! Please!"

Orson walks in the front door. He sees the suitcase. Baby flies back into the cage. Orson closes the front door.

Outside the Hodge House

Neighbor Carolyn is walking toward the front door.

"The next day Carolyn Bixby stopped by and like most nosy neighbors she knew you learned more if you didn't knock."

Carolyn walks in.

Inside the Hodge House

Carolyn: "Alma, are you home?"

Carolyn sees a bucket and mop in the doorway to the dining room. Orson comes out of the kitchen wearing gloves.

Orson: "Carolyn?"

Carolyn: "I was just looking for Alma. We had a coffee date this morning. She never showed."

Orson: "Ah. Alma left yesterday."

Carolyn: "Left?"

Orson: "Oh, we had a bit of a row."

Carolyn: "Oh. Harvey and I thought we heard some raised voices. So, where'd she go?"

Orson: "Don't know. I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure she's fine."

Baby, in his cage, begins talking.

Baby: "Orson, no! Orson, no!"

Orson and Carolyn stare at Baby. Orson leads Carolyn to the door with his gloved hands.

Orson: "So, if I hear from Alma, I'll let her know that you dropped by."

Orson closes the front door behind Carolyn. He turns to look at Baby.

Outside the Hodge House

"Yes, Orson Hodge was a man who did not like to be contradicted..."

Orson walks to the curb and sets the empty birdcage with the outgoing trash and walks back into the house.

"...by anyone."

Opening Credits

Flashback - Six Months Ago

It's pouring rain on Wisteria Lane.

"It doesn't rain very often in the town of Fairview, but when it does, it pours."

Orson and Bree are running up the street with Orson's jacket covering them both.

"It was on just such a day that Bree Van de Kamp went on her first date with her new friend, Orson Hodge. A date that ended with a kiss in the rain."

Orson kisses Bree on the sidewalk and they run off.

Gabrielle's Living Room

Gabrielle is sitting with her attorney.

"Gabrielle Solis was conferring with her new divorce lawyer and describing in vivid detail her husband's affair with their maid..."

Xiao-Mei walks in with a tea tray.

"...who also happened to be their surrogate."

Lynette's Front Porch

Lynette, Tom, Kayla, and Nora run onto the porch.

"Meanwhile, Lynette Scavo was busy meeting her husband's illegitimate daughter..."

Nora removes her wet coat, throws it at Lynette, picks up Kayla, and runs into the house. Tom follows, leaving Lynette behind holding Nora's coat.

"...while resisting the urge to strangle the girl's mother."

Susan's Driveway

Susan comes running out of her house and gets into her car.

"This happened just after Susan Mayer learned Mike Delfino had been badly injured in a hit and run accident and was now in a coma at Fairview Memorial Hospital."

Susan speeds down Wisteria Lane in her car.

Paul Young's Front Yard

Edie is hanging a Fairview Realty "For Sale" sign.

"At that same moment, Edie Britt was putting up a For Sale sign on the lawn of the house where I once lived. Edie had also planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway, but she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that. This is what rainy days are good for."

Bree's House

Bree and Orson, soaking wet, run through the front door.

"They make everything clean again."

Gabrielle's Front Porch

The lawyer walks away in the rain. Gabrielle goes back into her house passing by Xiao-Mei.

"Which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane..."

Lynette's Front Porch

Tom follows Kayla and Nora into the house. Lynette is standing on the porch still holding Nora's coat.

"...where everything can get so messy."

Lynette looks at the coat she is holding, throws in down onto the porch, and walks into the house, closing the door.

Present Day - Wisteria Lane

There is an open house being held at the Young house. A potential buyer walks in the front door.

Edie: "Welcome. Welcome. Oh, don't worry about the water, the floors are laminated. Here's a flyer."

Edie turns as she hears Mrs. McCluskey talking to a female potential buyer.

Mrs. McCluskey: "They found her severed fingers in the garage."

Potential buyer #2: "Oh, no."

Mrs. McCluskey: "And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened the cabinet and hello!"

Edie comes up behind Mrs. McCluskey and grabs her arm.

Edie: "Karen, dear. Have you seen the marble backsplash? Oh, I just must show it to you. Excuse us."

Edie pulls Karen away.

Edie: "What are you trying to do to me, you back-stabbing cow?"

Karen: "They asked why the owner was selling. I told them that Paul Young was in jail. They asked why. Conversation has a flow."

Edie: "Well, knock it off! I've been trying to unload this house of horrors for months now and you are not helping."

Karen reaches for some pastries on the table.

Edie: "Ah, ah, ah. Those are for potential buyers. You withered old mooch!"

Karen: "Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Maybe you'll have an easier time with the Apple white house and that rec room in the basement."

Edie: "Get out."

Edie opens the front door and pushes Karen out.

Edie: "Get out, get out, get out, get out!"

Potential Buyer #3: "Edie, uh, do you have a moment, please?"

Edie: "Yes, yes, yes, yes."

Lynette's House

Lynette, all dressed up, is fixing Tom's tie. The kids, also all dressed up, are all on the couch. Kayla and Nora are in the background.

Lynette: "Settle down."

Kids: "Come on!"

Lynette: "Kayla ready yet?"

Nora: "Just a sec."

Tom: "Honey, thank you for this. I know it's a little weird, I mean, to send out a family Christmas photo with your husband's love child, but it means a lot to her to feel included."

Lynette: "No problem. She's a great little girl."

Lynette kisses Tom.

Lynette: "All right, let's do this. I'm just going to, uh, check the focus."

Lynette looks in the viewfinder and sees Nora, wearing a Santa hat, sitting down on the arm of the couch getting into the photo.

Lynette: "Nora."

Nora: "Lynette."

Lynette: "Uh huh. What are you doing there?"

Nora: "Well, it's a family photo, right?"

Lynette: "Tom, could I, could I check your tie again?"

Tom and Lynette go into the kitchen.

Tom: "She sat down so quickly, I didn't know what to say."

Lynette: "How about, 'you're in the frame, bitch, move.'"

Tom: "Lynette."

Lynette: "No, I am sorry. How much of her crap do I have to put up with? First it's little drop bys, than she's inviting herself to dinner three times a week. Now she wants to be in our Christmas photo? I'm sorry, no, that's not happening."

Nora: "Hey, guys. Don't fight, it's the holidays."

Lynette: "Nora, this is just for our family. I would prefer if you weren't in it."

Nora: "Oh, okay. Kayla, honey, we gotta go. They're kicking us out."

Tom: "We didn't say that Kayla couldn't be in the photo."

Nora: "Yeah, well, you know what? If I'm not your family, then she's not your family."

Kayla: "It's okay. I don't have to be in the picture."

Tom looks at Lynette.

Lynette: "Fine, fine, no absolutely fine." (whispering to Tom) "Put Crazy at the end and we will crop her out later."

Tom: "Fair enough, fair enough. Hey, everything's okay. It's okay, come on guys, come on back."

Nora: "Thank you, Lynette. That's the Christmas spirit that I was looking for."

Lynette sets up the camera's timer.

Lynette: "Ten seconds."

She runs into the picture.

Nora: "I think this is a little stiff. I have a really fun idea."

Nora dives onto the Scavo kids laps and into the center of the frame as it clicks. The picture is freeze framed with Lynette and Tom looking very shocked.

Gabrielle's Bedroom

Gabrielle is carrying a food tray to a very pregnant Xiao-Mei who is lying on Gabrielle's bed.

Xiao-Mei: "Where are my crackers?"

Gabrielle: "We're out, but I got you a pickle."

Xiao-Mei: "Pickles and soup? Who eats that?"

Gabrielle: "You know, that's all I got."

Xiao-Mei: "Ever heard of a store?"

Xiao-Mei throws the pickle onto the floor.

Gabrielle: "You did not just do that!"

Xiao-Mei: "I hate pickles."

Gabrielle: "Pick it up!"

Xiao-Mei: "Doctor say I only get out of bed to pee. Better for baby. Remember?"

Gabrielle picks the pickle up and begins to leave the room.

Xiao-Mei: "Don't go! I need you to rub my feet. They're sore and doctor say..."

Gabrielle: "Oh, cut it out, Xiao-Mei. The doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps. Rub 'em yourself."

Xiao-Mei: "You treat me like dirt."

Gabrielle: "Would you rather go live with Mr. Solis in a dingy one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No, I didn't think so."

Xiao-Mei: "You are meanest person I know."

Gabrielle: "I am THE meanest person. You've been in the country a year. Modify your nouns, damn it."

Xiao-Mei: "What. A. Bitch."

Gabrielle: "I can't wait for you to pop out that baby because when you do, I am putting you on the first plane back to Shanghai, and you're gonna be on all fours in a rice patty before the epidural wears off!"

Xiao-Mei: "But you promised to get me apartment in Chinatown, so I can work for my friend in restaurant. Start a new life."

Gabrielle: "Tell it to my Chinese friend, Sue Me!"

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Mike is lying in bed in a coma as Susan shaves his face.

Doctor: You know we do have people here in the hospital who do that."

Susan: "But I like doing it. I think Mike would want me to. Oops. Oh."

The doctor hands Susan a tiny piece of toilet paper to cover the cut on Mike's face. Mike already has several pieces of paper covering cuts on his face.

Susan: "So you've got the results of his latest MRI yet?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid there was no change."

Susan: "Oh. Well how long until you can do another one?"

Doctor: "I don't want to tell you not to be optimistic but..."

Susan: "Look, I know it's been six months, but he could still come out of it, right? I saw on the news there was this woman in Peru, she woke up after ten years."

Doctor: "There's a reason that made the news."

Susan: "You might think I'm naïve but I know he's coming back to me."

Doctor: "Susan."

Susan: "Don't say it. You just keep doing your job and I'll keep doing mine. Oops."

Susan puts another tiny piece of paper on another cut.

Bree's Dining Room

Bree and Orson are having a candlelit dinner.

Bree: "That risotto was perfect."

Orson: "Just like you. Listen, I hope you saved room for dessert."

Orson clears the dinner dishes and takes them into the kitchen. He comes back holding a bakery box.

Orson: "I got us something special from a wonderful little bakery downtown."

Bree: "Oh."

Orson opens the bakery box. Inside are two desserts. One is shaped in a blue Tiffany box. He places the blue box in front of Bree.

Bree: "That is so adorable, but I don't think I can eat another bite."

Orson: "Here, let me take half."

Orson removes the lid. There is an engagement ring inside.

Orson: "What do you say, Bree? Will you marry me?"

Bree: "This is a little sudden, isn't it?"

Orson: "We've only known each other six months but I've loved you every minute of it. But if you don't share my feelings..."

Bree: "No, no, um, I do. It just that um, I can't help being cautious. Since Rex, I haven't been exactly lucky in love."

Orson: "I used to feel the same way. When Alma left me, I was shattered. But, I realize now that it was the luckiest day of my left because it meant I was free when I met you. Luck can change, Bree. Let me change yours."

Bree: "Yes."

Orson: "Yes?"

Bree: "Yes, I will marry you, Orson."

Orson takes the ring out of the box and puts it on Bree's finger. He sighs as he pulls the bow off of the confectionary box and eats it.

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Ian Hainesworth is sitting in a chair looking at his comatose wife, Jane.

"Ian Hainesworth had been miserable ever since a tragichorseback riding accident had left his wife, Jane, in a coma."

Flashback

Ian is getting coffee from the coffee machine. He walks by a group of laughing young nurses.

"For the next three years, he shied away from all social contact because he wanted to be alone with his grief."

Flashback

Ian is getting coffee. He turns and runs into Susan. They talk and shake hands.

"Then one day he met Susan Mayer, who because of her own tragedy was just as miserable as he was."

Flashback

Ian getting coffee, runs into Susan. They talk and laugh and walk away together.

"And a friendship slowly blossomed. Because as everyone knows, misery loves company. And Ian was loving this company...."

Present Day

Ian walks down the hallway carrying two cups of coffee.

"...more and more everyday."

Fairview Memorial Hospital - Mike's Room

Susan is exercising Mike by rotating his arm. Ian walks in as Susan scratches her face with Mike's hand.

Susan: "Two, three. Oh, itch, itch, itch. Oh, itch, itch, itch."

Ian: "Do the nurses know you do this?"

Susan: "Oh, hey. Um, you weren't supposed to see that."

Ian: "Well, clearly. You can buy my silence if you'll have coffee with me."

Susan: "Oh, I would love to, but I think I'm in a rush here. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends for lunch at one. Is it one yet?"

Ian: "Well, you tell me. I noticed you are always rushing into the hall to check the time, so I, um, well, I bought you this."

Ian pulls a watch out of his pocket and holds it out to Susan.

Susan: "Oh, wow. Um, I, I can't accept this. This is too extravagant."

Ian: "Oh, no it's nothing. There's a guy on the sidewalk had a bunch of them laid out on a blanket. If you check closely it says Folex."

Susan: "Ha, still I..."

Ian: "Please, it would make me so happy if you took it."

Susan: "Well, in that case, thank you for my cheap knock-off. Oh, my god, I'm late."

Susan grabs her purse and coat and rushes out.

Fairview Country Club

Construction work is going on. A posted sign says "Coming Soon, Our New Pro Shop."

Bree walks into the dining room where Susan, Lynette and Gabrielle are waiting.

Bree: "Hi, hi, hi, hi. I'm so sorry I'm late."

Lynette: "No, that's fine. Wow, white gloves. What are we having lunch in the 1880s?"

Bree: "Well, it's a very elegant club. You know Orson's been a member here for years. It will be even nicer when they finish the construction."

Susan: "So, you were very mysterious on the phone. Why did you want to have lunch?"

Bree: "Well, um, I wanted to invite you to a dinner that Orson and I are having this Saturday."

Susan: "So you asked us to a meal to announce another meal? That's so Bree of you."

Gabrielle: "What's the occasion?"

Bree: "Oh, um, no occasion. Just a little get-together."

Lynette: "What are you being so coy about?"

Bree: "I'm not being coy."

Lynette: "She said coyly."

Gabrielle: "If you don't tell us, we're not coming."

Bree: "Oh, all right. I wanted to wait and make a proper announcement, but..."

Bree removes the white glove on her left hand. The girls see her ring. Bree holds her hand out to Gabrielle.

Bree: "Orson and I are engaged."

Gabrielle: "Oh my gosh!"

Lynette: "Wow!"

Susan: "Oh, let me see. Oh."

Lynette: "You move fast."

Bree: "I know it's quick but it's just feel so right. Orson is just the most warm, wonderful, generous man."

Gabrielle: "Oh, generous. That means he's good in the sack."

Bree: "Actually, uh, no, we haven't had sex yet. We're waiting until we get married."

Gabrielle breaks out in laughter. Bree looks shocked.

Gabrielle: "Oh my god, you're serious? No sex at all? No even, um..."

Bree: "Whatever you're alluding to, no."

Gabrielle: "But you're gonna get married. You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive. It's not like you've never slept with a guy you weren't married to."

Bree: "True, I have in the past, given myself away too freely. How charming of you to bring that up while I'm announcing my engagement. But I'd like to think that I have learned from my mistakes. So the dinner is at eight o'clock and when we make the announcement, please, everybody look surprised."

Gabrielle: "Oh, don't worry, I'm just gonna replay the look I had when I found out you hadn't banged him yet."

Bree gasps out loud.

Lynette's House

Lynette and Tom are busy preparing for a party. Tom is filling balloons with helium. As Lynette comes up next to him, Tom breathes in some helium.

Tom (voice distorted): "Hey, Sexy Momma."

Lynette (laughing): "That's cute."

Tom: "So, you invited Kayla to Parker's birthday party, right?"

Lynette: "Of course."

Tom: "And?"

Lynette: "And?"

Tom: "What did you tell Nora?"

Lynette: "I told her that we were picking up Kayla for a quiet afternoon at home."

Tom: "You lied?"

Lynette: "Yeah, you're damn straight I lied. I will not have that lunatic ruining one more family gathering."

Tom: "But Kayla's gonna, you know, tell Nora that we had a party and I'm just afraid that Nora's gonna blow a gasket. What?"

Lynette: "So what are you saying? You're more afraid of Nora than you are of me?"

Tom: "Is that what you think I meant, because that is so not what I meant. You scare the hell out of me, baby."

Lynette: "Thank you."

Fairview Memorial Hospital

Ian is arranging flowers in Jane's room as Susan walks in carrying two cups.

Susan: "The coffee machine was broken, so I got us a couple of smoothies. They had strawberry and strawberry."

Ian: "Well, I hate strawberry, so give me the strawberry."

Susan hands Ian the cup. She puts her purse down and goes to Jane's bedside as Ian goes behind the curtain to arrange the flowers.

Susan: "Hi, Jane."

Ian: "Nothing, nothing against smoothies but um, I wouldn't mind having some real food sometime. Maybe we could go to a restaurant."

Susan: "You mean like outside the hospital?"

Ian: "Yeah, you know, like a date."

Susan spins quickly toward the curtain that Ian is behind and her smoothie goes flying all over Jane.

Susan: "A date?"

She gasps.

Ian: "Yeah, there's a lovely little bistro down the street."

Susan grabs some tissues and blots at the smoothie covering Jane.

Susan (to Jane): "Sorry. Really." (to Ian) "Ah, well that sounds, ah, just, that sounds great."

Susan tries to pull the curtain to clean Jane but it won't reach.

Ian: "I mean, I hope that's okay?"

Susan: "Yeah, uh."