CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of

seeing that which is visible" target="_blank" title="a.看不见的；无形的">invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a
blockhead.

CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with
cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a

clarionet -- two clarionets.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual

affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over

history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent
citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being

addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern

for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
A busy man complained one day:

"I get no time!" "What's that you say?"
Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;

"You have, sir, all the time there is.
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it --

We're never for an hour without it."
Purzil Crofe

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many
meritorious persons wish to obtain.

"Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried
To thrifty J. Macpherson;

"See me -- I'm ready to divide
With any worthy person."

Sad Jamie: "That is very true --
The boast requires no backing;

And all are worthy, sir, to you,
Who have what you are lacking."

Anita M. Bobe
COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the

sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a
brotherhood of awful examples.

O Coenobite, O coenobite,
Monastical gregarian,

You differ from the anchorite,
That solitudinarian:

With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;
With dropping shots he makes him sick.

Quincy Giles
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's

uneasiness.
COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that

resembles, but do not equal, our own.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the

goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money
belonging to E.

COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable
multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously

efficient.
This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view,

So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew
Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches

Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays
That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins

Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.
On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,

Misfortune attend and disaster befall!
May life be to them a succession of hurts;

May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;
May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,

Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;
May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,

And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;
May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,

And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse

Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors --

The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!
Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!

Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,
Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.

K.Q.
COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives

each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought
not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his

due.
COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than
sympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,
confided by _him_ to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and
nothing about anything else.

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision,
some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he

murmured and died.
CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as

distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with
others.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate
than yourself.

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure
and office from the people is given one by the Administration on

condition that he leave the country.
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already

decided on.
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too

formidable safely to be opposed.
CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the

injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.
In controversy with the facile tongue --

That bloodless warfare of the old and young --
So seek your adversary to engage

That on himself he shall exhaust his rage,
And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,

With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound.
You ask me how this miracle is done?

Adopt his own opinions, one by one,
And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath

He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
Advance then gently all you wish to prove,

Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've
So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say,

And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way,
This view of it which, better far expressed,

Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest
To him, secure that he'll perform his trust

And prove your views intelligent and just.
Conmore Apel Brune

CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to
meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental
commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of

his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward

and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
dynamite bomb.

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military
ladder.