Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.18 - Everybody Says Don't

Bree's Kitchen

"On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found an old cork, which reminded her just how much she craved Chablis."

Bree picks up a cork off her counter. She smells it deeply with her eyes closed.

Flashback - Bree's Living Room

Peter and Bree are sitting watching TV eating popcorn.

"So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD which they watched till her craving had passed."

Flashback - Bree's Family Room

Peter and Bree are playing cards.

"Five days later after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards."

Flashback - Bree's Dining Room

Bree and Peter are eating.

"The next week, he brought over Chinese takeout because Bree had told him she was consumed by thoughts of vintage chardonnay."

Present - Bree's Dining Room

Bree and Peter are playing chess. Bree is staring at Peter as he contemplates the board.

"By her the day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether because her thoughts were now centered elsewhere."

Bree: "I'm curious, Peter. What is the easiest way to overcome addiction?"

Peter: "Oh, some folks try shock therapy, others use hypnosis. But taking it one day at a time still makes the most sense to me. Why?"

Bree: "I don't know. I guess I'm just impatient to get on with my life."

Bree leans over and kisses Peter on the cheek.

Peter: "What are you doing?"

Bree: "I was just giving you a little kiss."

Peter: "Why?"

Bree: "Well, it's just my way of saying thank you for everything you've done for me over the past few weeks. What's wrong?"

Peter: "This is gonna seem like it's coming out of left field, but in addition to being a recovering alcoholic, I'm also a member of S.A. Sex Addicts Anonymous."

Bree laughs.

Bree: "Oh! And that's a, a real thing?"

Peter: "Yes. Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem."

Bree: "It was just a peck on the cheek."

Peter: "It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing."

Bree: "So how long has it been since you...;

Peter: "A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again."

Bree: "So, how are you doing?"

Peter: "I'm on my fourth ficus."

Bree: "Oh."

Bree leans over and kisses Peter on the lips.

Bree: "See? I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for."

Peter grabs Bree and begins kissing her. He rips off his t-shirt and pushes her down on the table, knocking everything off. He stops suddenly and gets off her.

Bree: "What?"

Peter: "I'm sorry. I think I should go."

He runs out.

Bree: "Really? Peter! But, but, you forgot your shirt!"

Peter: "Keep it!"

"Though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question. The easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another."

Bree, lying on the table, smells and hugs Peter's shirt.

Opening Credits

Temptation Strip Club

"Temptation..."

Many men watch a pole dancer.

"It's the name of a well-known establishment on the outskirts of Fairview. Its clientele is devoted. Everyone who goes there wants to get their hands on something."

A stripper is giving a man a lap dance.

"And when they cross a line..."

The man getting the lap dance touches the stripper's leg and Frank, the bouncer, runs up.

Frank: "Hey, I warned you, pal."

"...they are punished."

Frank takes the man away.

"As a certain married couple were about to discover."

A stripper walks up to a table where Gabrielle and Carlos are sitting with a wrapped present in front of them.

Stripper: "Hi, You want a lap dance?"

Carlos: "No, thanks. No."

The stripper walks away. Carlos watches as she walks away.

Carlos: "I sure hope Libby likes this camera."

Gabrielle: "Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass."

Carlos: "The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing."

Libby walks up.

Libby: "What the hell are you guys doing here?"

Carlos: "Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house..."

Libby: "Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go."

Gabrielle: "Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression."

Frank walks up behind Libby.

Frank: "Is there a problem here?"

Libby: "No, we're just talking. Everything's fine."

Carlos: "Carlos Solis. My wife, Gabrielle. We're friends of Libby's."

Frank: "Oh, hey, I'm Frank, Libby's boyfriend."

Gabrielle: "Libby, you didn't tell us you had a boyfriend."

Libby: "Didn't I? I thought I had."

Frank: "What's that? A present for our baby?"

Carlos: "I'm sorry, did you just say 'our' baby?"

Frank: "Yeah. It's our first."

Susan's Dining Room

Susan and Julie are having lunch when Karl enters.

Karl: "Hey. What's for lunch?"

Susan: "Omelettes. You want me to make you one?"

Karl: "No, thank you. I'll just pick at yours."

Julie: "I didn't know you still had a key, dad."

Karl: "Of course I do. I have to watch out for my two favorite ladies."

Susan: "Try the cheese. That's the best part."

She feeds him some of the omelette from her fork.

Julie: "You mean, two of your three favorite ladies. You know, when you add in Edie."

Karl: "Right! Of course, and speaking of Edie, I have some big news. I finally did it. I popped the question."

Julie: "Oh! Congratulations, dad!"

Susan: "Yeah, congratulations. Um, what happened to waiting six months?"

Karl: "Edie and I aren't getting married tomorrow. It takes months to plan a classy wedding, you know? Remember ours? You had to have it outdoors."

Susan: "Oh! It poured. I could have murdered that weatherman."

Karl: "We were all crammed under this little gazebo thingy."

Susan: "It was hysterical. I thought the whole wedding day was ruined."

Karl: "I loved it! It felt spontaneous. All our friends gathered close around us, hmm? Remember? You said it was the happiest day of your life."

Julie: "Just like you marrying Edie will be the happiest day of her life."

Karl: "Yeah. Right."

Susan: "Her, too."

Karl: "Toodles."

He leaves.

Bree's Kitchen

Bree walks in to find Mr. Bormanis is in the refrigerator getting a soda.

Mr. Bormanis: "Oh, Hi."

Bree: "Hello."

Mr. Bormanis: "Andrew said it was all right for me to get a cream soda."

Bree: "Ah, sure, help yourself. There's also frosted glasses in the freezer."

Mr. Bormanis: "Can is fine, but thank you. Oh, and uh, I left a list for you of the witnesses we'll be deposing. It's there on the counter."

Mr. Bormanis walks out. Bree picks up the list. Lynette Scavo is the first name.

Lynette's Porch - Daytime

Lynette is picking up toys when Bree walks up.

Bree: "Hi."

Lynette: "Hey."

Bree: "I know that you're still angry with me, and, um, I wanted to tell you that I have, um, joined a recovery program. A.A. I just wanted you to know that and to tell you I'm sorry. You are a real friend and I value your honesty."

Lynette: "Oh, I don't wanna be mad anymore, and I'm so happy to hear all that and I am so proud of you."

Bree: "Oh, thanks, but I'm not really out of the woods yet. I still have this whole court case hanging over my head."

Lynette: "I heard about that. Andrew's asking to be emancipated?"

Bree: "Yes, and his lawyer is taking depositions now to see if I am a fit parent. And considering that mishap that I had with your kids, I, uh, I imagine he'll be anxious to talk to you."

Lynette: "It makes sense, I guess."

Bree: "Do you have any idea what you might say?"

Lynette: "I, um, I'll focus on your good qualities."

Bree: "I could not ask for anything more. Thanks. See you around, I hope."

Lynette: "All right. That's not why you came to apologize, is it?"

Bree: "What do you mean?"

Lynette: "To soften me up for the deposition."

Bree: "Of course not. Um, I just want you to understand something. Andrew is making accusations, false accusations saying that I abused him, all because I wouldn't let him have his trust fund early so he could buy a car. I mean, can you blame me for wanting to know if I have your support?"

Lynette: "And so, what? You want me to lie? Make you look good?"

Bree: "I actually don't want anything of the sort."

Lynette: "Good. Because when I give my deposition, I'm going to tell the truth."

Mike's Front Porch - Daytime

Felicia is waiting on the porch when Mike opens his front door.

Mike: "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

Felicia: "I want you to look at something."

Felicia leads Mike to the curb.

Felicia: "Myra Holt is talking to Paul Young. Chatting away with him as though he were any other neighbor. Now I told her he killed my sister. I mentioned it to her six months ago when we were standing in the express line at the market. But still, there she is, yakking away. Oh, Mike. I'm afraid people's memories aren't what they used to be."

Mike: "What do you want, Felicia?"

Felicia: "I wanna see how good your memory is. If you recall a certain promise you made to me."

Mike: "I am not gonna kill him."

Felicia: "Why not? Give me one good reason."

Mike: "Because things have changed."

Felicia: "How? My sister still lies rotting in the ground. So does Dierdre. No, I don't see how anything's changed at all."

Mike: "You're just gonna have to let this go."

Felicia: "Sounds to me as though someone's let go of his rage."

Mike: "Maybe I have."

Felicia: "Well, I haven't."

Mr. Beale's Office

Gabrielle and Carlos are talking to Mr. Beale.

Carlos: "That bitch of a stripper lied to us. The father's totally in the dark. He clearly wants to keep the baby."

Mr. Beale: "Mr. Solis, if the father wants to assert his rights here, there's nothing we can do. I'll find you another baby. I promise."

Carlos: "I don't want another baby. I want this one!"

Gabrielle: "Honey, he's right, okay. That trashy girl has been lying to us from the get-go. Let's just walk away while we can. It's not worth it."

Carlos: "Don't get cold feet now, Gaby, please. All right? Let's just pay Frank the way we paid Libby and then bring the baby home."

Mr. Beale: "Wait, wait, wait. You paid Libby?"

Gabrielle: "You said we could give her gifts. Everybody loves getting cash."

Mr. Beale: "I could probably be disbarred for even listening to this. I cannot condone baby-buying! And I sure as hell can't be part of it."

Carlos: "Oh, Mr. Beale, come on."

Mr. Beale: "No, no, hear me out. If you are determined to go down this dark road, and unbeknownst to me steal this paternal rights waiver that's sitting on my desk, and have this Frank guy sign both sides and date the top, I can't be part of that, either."

Carlos: "Mm."

Susan's Front Yard - Daytime

Julie come out the front door with her suitcase. Susan is walking with a cane.

Julie: "Okay, I, I'm gonna go to dad's."

Susan: "Oh, wait! Why don't you let me walk with you?"

Julie: "Uh, shouldn't you be resting?"

Susan: "No! I'm fine. The doctor said I should actually keep my blood flowing."

Julie: "Well, do you have to do it while we walk over to Edie's? I just, I don't wanna risk you running into dad."

Susan: "Okay..."

Julie: "You guys have just been so chummy lately, and this whole flirting thing is kind of freaking me out."

Susan: "Wait a second, we're, we're not flirting."

Julie: "Mom, you fed him eggs with your fork."

Susan: "Okay, yes, I am closer to your father than I have been in the past. The bitter hatred's now settled into a respectful disgust. That's the kind of thing most children of divorce dream about."

Edie's Front Yard

Edie is taking many shopping bags out if her trunk as Susan and Julie approach.

Susan: "Hey, Edie. What's all this stuff for?"

Edie: "Oh, hi! Don't tell anyone, but I'm planning a huge surprise for Karl."

Susan: "A surprise?"

Edie: "Yeah, I'm putting together an engagement party tomorrow afternoon."

Julie: "Oh, cool."

Edie: "But that's not the surprise. Actually, it's gonna be a surprise wedding."

Susan starts coughing.

Edie: "I know! My Pilates teacher got ordained over the internet. The, uh, Church of the Divine something or other, I'm not sure. Anyway it's all legal, and, well, just one more day before I make an honest man out of your daddy."

Julie looks at Susan and Susan just stares at Edie.

Edie: "Oh. You're so sweet. Thank you so much for your good wishes."

Susan: "Oh. No, Edie, wait. Um, no, it's just that, you know, I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.'"

Edie: "Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody."

Lynette's Office

Mr. Bormanis enters.

Lynette: "I don't know why I have to get dragged into this. What happened with my kids has nothing to do with Bree's situation with Andrew. Sit."

Mr. Bormanis: "Well, it's my understanding that real harm could have come to your children as a direct result of your friend's behavior."

Lynette: "I'm sorry, Mr. Bormanis, but I'm not gonna testify. It just doesn't feel right to me."

Mr. Bormanis: "Well, this isn't the first time someone's felt the way you do. So this isn't the first time I've had to say that if you refuse to give a deposition of your own accord, I'll compel you to give one. But I'm sure I won't have to."

Mr. Bormanis hands Lynette a photograph of Andrew with bruises on his face.

Lynette: "You're saying Bree did this?"

Mr. Bormanis: "While under the influence. I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend, but this isn't about you. It's about Andrew. Don't you think he's suffered enough?"

Gabrielle's Living Room

Carlos is putting money into a leather bag.

Gabrielle: "How much are you gonna give him?"

Carlos: "I figured we could start with forty."

Gabrielle: "Thousand? He's a bouncer in a strip club. Offer him eight."

Carlos: "He's not going to sell his baby for eight thousand dollars."

Gabrielle: "Are we talking about the same idiot? I think for eight thousand dollars, he'd throw in a kidney."

Carlos: "I'm not gonna blow this by bargain hunting."

Gabrielle: "You know, that's your problem, Carlos. Remember when you bought your car? You paid sticker. Nobody pays sticker!"

Carlos: "Okay, and what's the sticker price on a child, huh? Tell me that."

Gabrielle: "I'm thinking twelve."

Temptation Strip Club

Gabrielle, Carlos, Frank and Libby are sitting around a table.

Libby: "Frank, you have to sign the paper. I made a deal with these people."

Frank: "A deal? This isn't a used car we're talking about. It's our baby."

Libby: "Before you screw this up, just remember that I can go to the cops and tell them about the pot farm you have going on in our basement."

Frank: "It's just a couple plants. Yeah, I don't do it for profits. Hobby, mostly."

Libby: "Oh, come on, Frank. You know you would be a lousy father."

Frank: "It's my kid! And I have a right to mess her up if I want. And if you go near the police, I'll tell 'em how you've been stealing all those tips from Sheila."

Gabrielle: "Okay, we're done."

Carlos: "Gaby, Gaby, no, just hold on. Now maybe there's a way that we can work this out together."

Gabrielle: "There is nothing to work out. If Frank is not on board with this, it's over."

Libby: "Wait! Uh, it doesn't matter what he wants."

Frank: "Why not?"

Libby: "Because it's not your baby."

Frank: "That's a lie."

Libby: "What if I took a paternity test? Will that shut you up?"

Gabrielle: "Wait, if it's not Frank's, then whose is it?"

Libby: "I'm not sure. All's I know is I got pregnant right after I worked at the Calgary rodeo and I was very popular there."

Frank: "So what are you saying, you screwed a bunch of cowboys?"

Libby: "You have your hobbies and I have mine."

Carlos chuckles.

Gabrielle: "You think this is funny?"

Carlos: "Oh, don't you get it? We just got our baby back."

Gabrielle goes back to the table and grabs the bag with the money.

Gabrielle: "Well, you take care now."

Carlos: "Yeah."

Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting Hall

Bree: "Hi. I got, uh, your message that you wanted to see me before the meeting started."

Peter: "Yeah, I did. Um, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. Bree, this is Donna. Donna, this is Bree."

Donna: "What's up?"

Bree: "Hi."

Peter: "Donna is gonna be your new sponsor."

Bree: "I, um, I don't want a new sponsor. I'm, I'm very comfortable working with you."

Peter: "This was always just a temporary arrangement and given what happened the other night, I think it's best if we just end this now."

Bree: "Peter, all we did was kiss."

Peter: "We'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't think that whatever between us isn't going to affect our recovery."

Bree: "It's not a good time for change in my life, Peter. Terrible things are happening. I'm headed to court. I need your support now more than ever."

Peter: "You'll have support, Bree. It just won't be mine."

Bree: "But, Peter..."

Lynette's Office

The photo of Andrew's bruised face is on her desk.

Gabrielle: "Oh, Bree could never have done that!"

Lynette: "I'm just telling you what the lawyer said."

Gabrielle: "So you think Bree punched Andrew in the face? 'Cause I don't."

Lynette: "I don't either, but on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitch slap her mother-in-law. So I'm torn."

Gabrielle: "Well, I'm siding with Bree."

Lynette: "How can you be so sure? We have Andrew saying that it's systematic physical abuse. And then we have Bree saying it's Andrew wanting to be emancipated so he can get at his trust fund so he can buy a car. How are we supposed to know the real truth?"

Gabrielle: "Because I remember being seventeen. And I would've done a hell of a lot more than punch myself in the eye to get a car."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Karl drives up and Susan flags him down.

Susan: "Karl! Karl, stop! Stop! Oh! It's an emergency."

Karl: "Just calm down. What's going on?"

Susan: "Edie is gonna marry you tomorrow."

Karl: "What?"

Susan: "She's planned this whole secret wedding. It's a surprise."

Karl: "God, I hate surprises!"

Susan: "I know. I told her that. I said, he always, always hates surprises."

Karl: "All right, don't get yourself all worked up here."

Karl leads Susan to her house. Julie sees this through Edie's window, shaking her head.

Bree's Living Room

Donna: "So the thing you gotta know about me is my style is proactive. I don't hold your hand if you go on a bender. I believe in behavior modification."

Bree: "Hmm. Some muffins?"

Donna: "Oh. Oh, that's okay. I, I'm not big on snacks. You should also know, I'm not a lesbian."

Bree: "Oh! Well, good for you."

Donna: "Well, see, if I was, the program wouldn't let me be your sponsor. Not great for your recovery if we get tangled up in a little something. So, um, whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you."

Bree: "Um, Donna. I, I really appreciate everything that you've been doing for me, but I think I was really making some progress with Peter as my sponsor. And I was thinking...;

Donna: "All right, stop right there! You're fixating on Peter."

Bree: "Well, I just really feel like I'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching...;

Donna: "You're making excuses. See, I have a ninety-nine percent success rate as a sponsor because I have zero percent tolerance for people who lie to themselves. Now come on."

Bree: "Come on? Where are we going?"

Donna: "Hiking. There's nothing like it to take your mind off booze."

Edie's Front Porch

Karl: "I got it! I'll just be the woman. I'll say I want a big wedding. You know, the church, the big ballroom, smashing cake in her face. It'll take months to plan."

Susan: "That's great."

Karl: "And of course, I'll have to tell her you're the one who ruined the surprise."

Susan: "You're gonna make me take the hit?"

Karl: "Yeah."