Chapter LV

Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT

COMMITTEE OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE

AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER Mr. WELLER

amivel,' said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the

morning after the funeral, 'I've found it, Sammy. I

thought it wos there.'

'Thought wot wos there?' inquired Sam.

'Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'In

wirtue o' vich, them arrangements is to be made as I told you on,

last night, respectin' the funs.'

'Wot, didn't she tell you were it wos?' inquired Sam.

'Not a bit on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'We wos a adjestin'

our little differences, and I wos a-cheerin' her spirits and bearin'

her up, so that I forgot to ask anythin' about it. I don't know as I

should ha' done it, indeed, if I had remembered it,' added Mr.

Weller, 'for it's a rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go a-hankerin' arter

anybody's property, ven you're assistin' 'em in illness. It's like

helping an outside passenger up, ven he's been pitched off a

coach, and puttin' your hand in his pocket, vile you ask him, vith a

sigh, how he finds his-self, Sammy.'

With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller

unclasped his pocket-book, and drew forth a dirty sheet of letter-

paper, on which were inscribed various characters crowded

together in remarkable confusion.

'This here is the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'I found

it in the little black tea-pot, on the top shelf o' the bar closet. She

used to keep bank-notes there, 'fore she vos married, Samivel. I've

seen her take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and many a time. Poor

creetur, she might ha'filled all the tea-pots in the house vith vills,

and not have inconwenienced herself neither, for she took wery

little of anythin' in that vay lately, 'cept on the temperance nights,

ven they just laid a foundation o' tea to put the spirits atop on!'

'What does it say?' inquired Sam.

'Jist vot I told you, my boy,' rejoined his parent. 'Two hundred

pound vurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and

all the rest o' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever,

to my husband, Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole

eggzekiter.'

'That's all, is it?' said Sam.

'That's all,' replied Mr. Weller. 'And I s'pose as it's all right and

satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested, ve may

as vell put this bit o' paper into the fire.'

'Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic?' said Sam, snatching the

paper away, as his parent, in all innocence, stirred the fire

preparatory to suiting the action to the word. 'You're a nice

eggzekiter, you are.'

'Vy not?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the

poker in his hand.

'Vy not?' exclaimed Sam.''Cos it must be proved, and probated,

and swore to, and all manner o' formalities.'

'You don't mean that?' said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker.

Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by a

look, meanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too.

'Then I'll tell you wot it is,' said Mr. Weller, after a short

meditation, 'this is a case for that 'ere confidential pal o' the

Chancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man

for a difficult question at law. Ve'll have this here brought afore

the Solvent Court, directly, Samivel.'

'I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur!' exclaimed

Sam irritably; 'Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts, and alleybis, and

ev'ry species o' gammon alvays a-runnin' through his brain. You'd

better get your out o' door clothes on, and come to town about this

bisness, than stand a-preachin' there about wot you don't

understand nothin' on.'

'Wery good, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I'm quite agreeable to

anythin' as vill hexpedite business, Sammy. But mind this here,

my boy, nobody but Pell―nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser.'

'I don't want anybody else,' replied Sam. 'Now, are you a-

comin'?'

'Vait a minit, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied his

shawl with the aid of a small glass that hung in the window, was

now, by dint of the most wonderful exertions, struggling into his

upper garments. 'Vait a minit' Sammy; ven you grow as old as

your father, you von't get into your veskit quite as easy as you do

now, my boy.'

'If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vear

vun at all,' rejoined his son.

'You think so now,' said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, 'but

you'll find that as you get vider, you'll get viser. Vidth and visdom,

Sammy, alvays grows together.'

As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim―the result of

many years' personal experience and observation―he contrived,

by a dexterous twist of his body, to get the bottom button of his

coat to perform its office. Having paused a few seconds to recover

breath, he brushed his hat with his elbow, and declared himself

ready.

'As four heads is better than two, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, as

they drove along the London Road in the chaise-cart, 'and as all

this here property is a wery great temptation to a legal gen'l'm'n,

ve'll take a couple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be wery soon

down upon him if he comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' them as saw

you to the Fleet that day. They're the wery best judges,' added Mr.

Weller, in a half-whisper―'the wery best judges of a horse, you

ever know'd.'

'And of a lawyer too?' inquired Sam.

'The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can

form a ackerate judgment of anythin',' replied his father, so

dogmatically, that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position.

In pursuance of this notable resolution, the services of the

mottled-faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen―

selected by Mr. Weller, probably, with a view to their width and

consequent wisdom―were put into requisition; and this assistance

having been secured, the party proceeded to the public-house in

Portugal Street, whence a messenger was despatched to the

Insolvent Court over the way, requiring Mr. Solomon Pell's

immediate attendance.

The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court,

regaling himself, business being rather slack, with a cold collation

of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no sooner

whispered in his ear than he thrust them in his pocket among

various professional documents, and hurried over the way with

such alacrity that he reached the parlour before the messenger

had even emancipated himself from the court.

'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, 'my service to you

all. I don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but there are not five

other men in the world, that I'd have come out of that court for, to-

day.'

'So busy, eh?' said Sam.

'Busy!' replied Pell; 'I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the

late Lord Chancellor many a time used to say to me, gentlemen,

when he came out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords.

Poor fellow; he was very susceptible to fatigue; he used to feel

those appeals uncommonly. I actually thought more than once

that he'd have sunk under 'em; I did, indeed.'

Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which, the elder

Mr. Weller, nudging his neighbour, as begging him to mark the

attorney's high connections, asked whether the duties in question

produced any permanent ill effects on the constitution of his noble

friend.

'I don't think he ever quite recovered them,' replied Pell; 'in

fact I'm sure he never did. "Pell," he used to say to me many a

time, "how the blazes you can stand the head-work you do, is a

mystery to me."―"Well," I used to answer, "I hardly know how I

do it, upon my life."―"Pell," he'd add, sighing, and looking at me

with a little envy―friendly envy, you know, gentlemen, mere

friendly envy; I never minded it―"Pell, you're a wonder; a

wonder." Ah! you'd have liked him very much if you had known

him, gentlemen. Bring me three-penn'orth of rum, my dear.'

Addressing this latter remark to the waitress, in a tone of

subdued grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes and the ceiling;

and, the rum having by that time arrived, drank it up.

'However,' said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, 'a professional

man has no right to think of his private friendships when his legal

assistance is wanted. By the bye, gentlemen, since I saw you here

before, we have had to weep over a very melancholy occurrence.'

Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief, when he came to the

word weep, but he made no further use of it than to wipe away a

slight tinge of rum which hung upon his upper lip.

'I saw it in the Advertiser, Mr. Weller,' continued Pell. 'Bless my

soul, not more than fifty-two! Dear me―only think.'

These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the

mottled-faced man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had accidentally caught;

on which, the mottled-faced man, whose apprehension of matters

in general was of a foggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and

opined that, indeed, so far as that went, there was no saying how

things was brought about; which observation, involving one of

those subtle propositions which it is difficult to encounter in

argument, was controverted by nobody.

'I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, Mr.

Weller,' said Pell, in a sympathising manner.

'Yes, sir, she wos,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much

relishing this mode of discussing the subject, and yet thinking that

the attorney, from his long intimacy with the late Lord Chancellor,

must know best on all matters of polite breeding. 'She wos a wery

fine 'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. She wos a widder, sir, at

that time.'

'Now, it's curious,' said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful

smile; 'Mrs. Pell was a widow.'

'That's very extraordinary,' said the mottled-faced man.

'Well, it is a curious coincidence,' said Pell.

'Not at all,' gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. 'More

widders is married than single wimin.'

'Very good, very good,' said Pell, 'you're quite right, Mr. Weller.

Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman; her

manners were the theme of universal admiration in our

neighbourhood. I was proud to see that woman dance; there was

something so firm and dignified, and yet natural, in her motion.

Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity itself. Ah! well, well!

Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel,' continued the

attorney in a lower voice, 'was your mother-in-law tall?'

'Not wery,' replied Sam.

'Mrs. Pell was a tall figure,' said Pell, 'a splendid woman, with a

noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed to command and be

majestic. She was very much attached to me―very much―highly

connected, too. Her mother's brother, gentlemen, failed for eight

hundred pounds, as a law stationer.'

'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during

this discussion, 'vith regard to bis'ness.'

The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in his

mind whether any business was to be transacted, or whether he

had been merely invited to partake of a glass of brandy-and-water,

or a bowl of punch, or any similar professional compliment, and

now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing at all eager for

its solution. His eyes glistened as he laid his hat on the table, and

said―

'What is the business upon which―um? Either of these

gentlemen wish to go through the court? We require an arrest; a

friendly arrest will do, you know; we are all friends here, I

suppose?'

'Give me the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking the

will from his son, who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly.

'Wot we rekvire, sir, is a probe o' this here.'

'Probate, my dear sir, probate,' said Pell.

'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller sharply, 'probe and probe it, is

wery much the same; if you don't understand wot I mean, sir, I

des-say I can find them as does.'

'No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller,' said Pell meekly. 'You are the

executor, I see,' he added, casting his eyes over the paper.

'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Weller.

'These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they?'

inquired Pell, with a congratulatory smile.

'Sammy is a leg-at-ease,' replied Mr. Weller; 'these other

gen'l'm'n is friends o' mine, just come to see fair; a kind of

umpires.'

'Oh!' said Pell, 'very good. I have no objections, I'm sure. I shall

want a matter of five pound of you before I begin, ha! ha! ha!'

It being decided by the committee that the five pound might be

advanced, Mr. Weller produced that sum; after which, a long

consultation about nothing particular took place, in the course

whereof Mr. Pell demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the

gentlemen who saw fair, that unless the management of the

business had been intrusted to him, it must all have gone wrong,

for reasons not clearly made out, but no doubt sufficient. This

important point being despatched, Mr. Pell refreshed himself with

three chops, and liquids both malt and spirituous, at the expense

of the estate; and then they all went away to Doctors' Commons.

The next day there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, and

a great to-do with an attesting hostler, who, being inebriated,

declined swearing anything but profane oaths, to the great scandal

of a proctor and surrogate. Next week, there were more visits to

Doctors' Commons, and there was a visit to the Legacy Duty Office

besides, and there were treaties entered into, for the disposal of

the lease and business, and ratifications of the same, and

inventories to be made out, and lunches to be taken, and dinners

to be eaten, and so many profitable things to be done, and such a

mass of papers accumulated that Mr. Solomon Pell, and the boy,

and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that scarcely anybody

would have known them for the same man, boy, and bag, that had

loitered about Portugal Street, a few days before.

At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was

fixed for selling out and transferring the stock, and of waiting with

that view upon Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, stock-broker, of

somewhere near the bank, who had been recommended by Mr.

Solomon Pell for the purpose.

It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attired

accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly cleaned, and his dress

was arranged with peculiar care; the mottled-faced gentleman

wore at his button-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; and

the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays of laurel

and other evergreens. All three were habited in strict holiday

costume; that is to say, they were wrapped up to the chins, and

wore as many clothes as possible, which is, and has been, a stage-

coachman's idea of full dress ever since stage-coaches were

invented.

Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the