and cloth boots rendered the party complete. The little table with



the green baize cover was wheeled out; the first instalment of



punch was brought in, in a white jug; and the succeeding three



hours were devoted to vingt-et-un at sixpence a dozen, which was



only once interrupted by a slight dispute between the scorbutic



youth and the gentleman with the pink anchors; in the course of



which, the scorbutic youth intimated a burning desire to pull the



nose of the gentleman with the emblems of hope; in reply to



which, that individual expressed his decided unwillingness to



accept of any 'sauce' on gratuitous terms, either from the irascible



young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance, or any other



person who was ornamented with a head.



When the last 'natural' had been declared, and the profit and



loss account of fish and sixpences adjusted, to the satisfaction of



all parties, Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors



squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready.



it was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine. First



of all, it was necessary to awaken the girl, who had fallen asleep



with her face on the kitchen table; this took a little time, and, even



when she did answer the bell, another quarter of an hour was



consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a faint and



distant glimmering of reason. The man to whom the order for the



oysters had been sent, had not been told to open them; it is a very



difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp knife and a two-



pronged fork; and very little was done in this way. Very little of the



beef was done either; and the ham (which was also from the



German-sausage shop round the corner) was in a similar



predicament. However, there was plenty of porter in a tin can; and



the cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. So upon the



whole, perhaps, the supper was quite as good as such matters



usually are.



After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table,



together with a paper of cigars, and a couple of bottles of spirits.



Then there was an awful pause; and this awful pause was



occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of place, but



a very embarrassing one notwithstanding.



The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The establishment



boasted four: we do not record the circumstance as at all



derogatory to Mrs. Raddle, for there never was a lodging-house



yet, that was not short of glasses. The landlady's glasses were little,



thin, blown-glass tumblers, and those which had been borrowed



from the public-house were great, dropsical, bloated articles, each



supported on a huge gouty leg. This would have been in itself



sufficient to have possessed the company with the real state of



affairs; but the young woman of all work had prevented the



possibility of any misconception arising in the mind of any



gentleman upon the subject, by forcibly dragging every man's



glass away, long before he had finished his beer, and audibly



stating, despite the winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob Sawyer,



that it was to be conveyed downstairs, and washed forthwith.



It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. The prim man



in the cloth boots, who had been unsuccessfully attempting to



make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted, saw his



opportunity, and availed himself of it. The instant the glasses



disappeared, he commenced a long story about a great public



character, whose name he had forgotten, making a particularly



happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual whom



he had never been able to identify. He enlarged at some length



and with great minuteness upon divers collateral circumstances,



distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for the life of



him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what the



anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling the



story with great applause for the last ten years.



'Dear me,' said the prim man in the cloth boots, 'it is a very



extraordinary circumstance.'



'I am sorry you have forgotten it,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer,



glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard the noise of



glasses jingling; 'very sorry.'



'So am I,' responded the prim man, 'because I know it would



have afforded so much amusement. Never mind; I dare say I shall



manage to recollect it, in the course of half an hour or so.'



The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came



back, when Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been absorbed in attention



during the whole time, said he should very much like to hear the



end of it, for, so far as it went, it was, without exception, the very



best story he had ever heard. The sight of the tumblers restored



Bob Sawyer to a degree of equanimity which he had not possessed



since his interview with his landlady. His face brightened up, and



he began to feel quite convivial.



'Now, Betsy,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and



dispersing, at the same time, the tumultuous little mob of glasses



the girl had collected in the centre of the table―'now, Betsy, the



warm water; be brisk, there's a good girl.'



'You can't have no warm water,' replied Betsy.



'No warm water!' exclaimed Mr. Bob Sawyer.



'No,' said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a



more decidednegative than the most copious language could have



conveyed. 'Missis Raddle said you warn't to have none.'



The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests



imparted new courage to the host.



'Bring up the warm water instantly―instantly!' said Mr. Bob



Sawyer, with desperate sternness.



'No. I can't,' replied the girl; 'Missis Raddle raked out the



kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the kittle.'



'Oh, never mind; never mind. Pray don't disturb yourself about



such a trifle,' said Mr. Pickwick, observing the conflict of Bob



Sawyer's passions, as depicted in his countenance, 'cold water will



do very well.'



'Oh, admirably,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen.



'My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental



derangement,' remarked Bob Sawyer, with a ghastly smile; 'I fear



I must give her warning.'



'No, don't,' said Ben Allen.



'I fear I must,' said Bob, with heroicfirmness. 'I'll pay her what



I owe her, and give her warning to-morrow morning.' Poor fellow!



how devoutly he wished he could!



Mr. Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this



last blow, communicated a dispiriting influence to the company,



the greater part of whom, with the view of raising their spirits,



attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy-and-



water, the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a



renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the



gentleman in the shirt. The belligerents vented their feelings of



mutualcontempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and



snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to come



to a more explicit understanding on the matter; when the



following clear understanding took place. 'Sawyer,' said the



scorbutic youth, in a loud voice.



'Well, Noddy,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer.



'I should be very sorry, Sawyer,' said Mr. Noddy, 'to create any



unpleasantness at any friend's table, and much less at yours,



Sawyer―very; but I must take this opportunity of informing Mr.



Gunter that he is no gentleman.'



'And I should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create any disturbance



in the street in which you reside,' said Mr. Gunter, 'but I'm afraid I



shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by



throwing the person who has just spoken, out o' window.'



'What do you mean by that, sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy.



'What I say, sir,' replied Mr. Gunter.



'I should like to see you do it, sir,' said Mr. Noddy.



'You shall feel me do it in half a minute, sir,' replied Mr. Gunter.



'I request that you'll favour me with your card, sir,' said Mr.



Noddy.



'I'll do nothing of the kind, sir,' replied Mr. Gunter.



'Why not, sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy.



'Because you'll stick it up over your chimney-piece, and delude



your visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to see



you, sir,' replied Mr. Gunter.



'Sir, a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning,' said Mr.



Noddy.



'Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caution, and I'll leave



particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons,'



replied Mr. Gunter.



At this point the remainder of the guests interposed, and



remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of their



conduct; on which Mr. Noddy begged to state that his father was



quite as respectable as Mr. Gunter's father; to which Mr. Gunter



replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr. Noddy's



father, and that his father's son was as good a man as Mr. Noddy,



any day in the week. As this announcement seemed the prelude to



a recommencement of the dispute, there was another interference



on the part of the company; and a vast quantity of talking and



clamouring ensued, in the course of which Mr. Noddy gradually



allowed his feelings to overpower him, and professed that he had



ever entertained a devoted personal attachment towards Mr.



Gunter. To this Mr. Gunter replied that, upon the whole, he rather



preferred Mr. Noddy to his own brother; on hearing which



admission, Mr. Noddy magnanimously rose from his seat, and



proffered his hand to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter grasped it with



affecting fervour; and everybody said that the whole dispute had



been conducted in a manner which was highly honourable to both



parties concerned.



'Now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'just to set us going again, Bob, I



don't mind singing a song.' And Hopkins, incited thereto by



tumultuous applause, plunged himself at once into 'The King, God



bless him,' which he sang as loud as he could, to a novel air,



compounded of the 'Bay of Biscay,' and 'A Frog he would.' The



chorus was the essence of the song; and, as each gentleman sang it



to the tune he knew best, the effect was very striking indeed.



It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, that Mr.



Pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude, and said, as soon



as silence was restored―



'Hush! I beg your pardon. I thought I heard somebody calling



from upstairs.'



A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. Bob Sawyer



was observed to turn pale.



'I think I hear it now,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Have the goodness to



open the door.'



The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject



was removed.



'Mr. Sawyer! Mr. Sawyer!' screamed a voice from the two-pair



landing.



'It's my landlady,' said Bob Sawyer, looking round him with



great dismay. 'Yes, Mrs. Raddle.'



'What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?' replied the voice, with



great shrillness and rapidity of utterance. 'Ain't it enough to be



swindled out of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket besides,



and abused and insulted by your friends that dares to call



themselves men, without having the house turned out of the



window, and noise enough made to bring the fire-engines here, at



two o'clock in the morning?―Turn them wretches away.'



'You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,' said the voice of Mr.



Raddle, which appeared to proceed from beneath some distant



bed-clothes.



'Ashamed of themselves!' said Mrs. Raddle. 'Why don't you go



down and knock 'em every one downstairs? You would if you was



a man.'



'I should if I was a dozen men, my dear,' replied Mr. Raddle



pacifically, 'but they have the advantage of me in numbers, my



dear.'



'Ugh, you coward!' replied Mrs. Raddle, with supreme



contempt. 'Do you mean to turn them wretches out, or not, Mr.



Sawyer?'



'They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going,' said the miserable



Bob. 'I am afraid you'd better go,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer to his



friends. 'I thought you were making too much noise.'



'It's a very unfortunate thing,' said the prim man. 'Just as we



were getting so comfortable too!' The prim man was just



beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had



forgotten.



'It's hardly to be borne,' said the prim man, looking round.



'Hardly to be borne, is it?'



'Not to be endured,' replied Jack Hopkins; 'let's have the other



verse, Bob. Come, here goes!'



'No, no, Jack, don't,' interposed Bob Sawyer; 'it's a capital song,



but I am afraid we had better not have the other verse. They are



very violent people, the people of the house.'



'Shall I step upstairs, and pitch into the landlord?' inquired



Hopkins, 'or keep on ringing the bell, or go and groan on the



staircase? You may command me, Bob.'



'I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good-



nature, Hopkins,' said the wretched Mr. Bob Sawyer, 'but I think



the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to break up at



once.'



'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' screamed the shrill voice of Mrs. Raddle,



'are them brutes going?'



'They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob;



'they are going directly.'



'Going!' said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her nightcap over the banisters just as Mr. Pickwick, followed by Mr. Tupman, emerged



from the sitting-room. 'Going! what did they ever come for?'



'My dear ma'am,' remonstrated Mr. Pickwick, looking up.



'Get along with you, old wretch!' replied Mrs. Raddle, hastily



withdrawing the nightcap. 'Old enough to be his grandfather, you



willin! You're worse than any of 'em.'



Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence, so



hurried downstairs into the street, whither he was closely followed



by Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. Mr. Ben Allen,



who was dismally depressed with spirits and agitation,



accompanied them as far as London Bridge, and in the course of



the walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an especially eligible person to



intrust the secret to, that he was resolved to cut the throat of any



gentleman, except Mr. Bob Sawyer, who should aspire to the



affections of his sister Arabella. Having expressed his



determination to perform this painful duty of a brother with



proper firmness, he burst into tears, knocked his hat over his eyes,



and, making the best of his way back, knocked double knocks at



the door of the Borough Market office, and took short naps on the



steps alternately, until daybreak, under the firm impression that



he lived there, and had forgotten the key.



The visitors having all departed, in compliance with the rather



pressing request of Mrs. Raddle, the luckless Mr. Bob Sawyer was



left alone, to meditate on the probable events of to-morrow, and



the pleasures of the evening.

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