The One With The Birthing Video


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Written by: Dana Klein Borkow
Transcribed by: Jean Liew

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[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel?s there and Joey and Phoebe enter.]

Phoebe: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hi.

Phoebe: Happy Valentine?s Day.

Rachel: Oh, you too.

Joey: Hey, uh, how?s it going living over at Ross?s?

Rachel: It?s good except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day. Did you know something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages? (gets her coffee) Oh, thank you. I?ll see you guys later. Bye.

(Joey watches her leave.)

Joey: Bye. That?s one lucky to-go cup of coffee.

Phoebe: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. is there anything I can do for you? You wanna look down my top?

Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.

Phoebe: Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone?

Gunther: (to Joey) You want anything?

Joey: You wanna know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine?s Day! And I want her to love me back! I want just one moment of relief from the gut wrenching pain, but I know now that?s not going to happen.

Gunther: We have ??? bagels.

Joey: Ok!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Phoebe and Ross are in the living room.]

Phoebe: So, how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?

Ross: Oh, I?m on my way to tell her right now. She?s been away visiting her parents all week. But she?ll be cool. I mean, she?s been sooo supportive. And she even got the baby a tiny t-shirt that says Fossils are my friends.

Phoebe: Oh. Come on, Mona, don?t kiss ass.

Ross: So, uh, I?m gonna take off.

Phoebe: Shoot! Oh shoot! (pulls a tape out from the couch) Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.

Ross: What is it?

Phoebe: It?s a video of my friend giving birth. Could you just bring it back to your apartment?

Ross: Ok. (reads the label) Candy and Cookie?

Phoebe: Yeah, Candy?s the mother, Cookie?s the daughter. The father?s also named Cookie. ...why am I friends with these people?

(Monica comes in from her room with something behind her back.)

Monica: Phoebe, come here. I want to show you something in the bathroom.

Phoebe: Monica, grow up!

Ross: Hey, what?ve you got behind your back?

Monica: Nothing. Just something I want to get Phoebe?s opinion on.

Ross: You don?t want my opinion?

Monica: Not really.

Ross: Come on. I?m your older brother. Ask me.

Monica: Ok, big brother. (holds up two negligees) Which one of these would make your little sister look better so that your best friend would want to do it?

Ross: (long pause) The red one.

(He leaves.)

[Scene: Joey?s place. He?s eating pizza when Phoebe comes in.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: (depressed sounding) Hi.

Phoebe: Look, I know you?ve been really depressed lately, so I brought someone over to cheer you up. Right outside the door is a real-life, furry playmate.

Joey: Oh, I?m not sleeping with your friend again. (Phoebe brings in a dog) Hey! A dog! (plays with him) Hey, who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.

Phoebe: This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy. So, you can keep him until he cheers you up. He?ll cheer you up.

Joey: Thanks so much, Pheebs. (to the dog) We are going to have so much fun, yes we are! ...not that kinda fun!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler enters with flowers. Fallin? is playing.]

Chandler: Hey! Happy Valentine?s!

Monica: (from the room) I?ll be right out. I?m slipping into something a little less comfortable and a little more slutty.

(Chandler gets the birthing video off the kitchen table, where Ross left if when he was putting on his coat.)

Chandler: Candy and Cookie? Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn? Girl on girl porn?! She really must love me!!!

(He jumps over the chair to pop it in the vcr.)

Candy: Ah...ah...

Man: Now, just relax.

Chandler: Thank you, Saint Valentine. (Candy is screaming) Whoa, whoa, that?s not pretty.

Man: Now, push!!

Candy: Oh!! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh ow!!! (etc)

(Chandler throws up his arms.)

Chandler: Worse porn ever!!!!!!

Candy: Make it stop!!!!

(Chandler frantically pushes the Stop button.)

Chandler: I am trying!!!

[Scene: Joey?s place. He?s playing fetch with the dog.]

Joey: Get the ball, all right? Get the ball. (he pretends to throw it and the dog runs into his room) Ah, you?re cute, but you?re not too smart. (the dog comes out with a ball) Thank you. Did I just throw this?

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi.

Joey: Hi.

Rachel: I accidentally packed these with my stuff. (puts Joey?s clothes on the counter) Who is this?

(She kneels down to play with the dog.)

Joey: Uh, that?s Phoebe?s friend?s dog. I don?t know what his real name. I just call him Mozzarella.

Rachel: (baby voice) Aw, you are so cute! I wish I could play with you more, but I?ve got to go to work. I have got to stop talking like this before my first marketing meeting. Yes I do. (gets up) (to Joey, in baby voice) Bye bye Joey. I seriously can?t stop it.

(She leaves.)

Joey: Come here! Hey! Hey. That?s Rachel. She?s the one who used to live here. to be honest, I love her. I can?t have her. I really miss her. Well, hey, you understand, right? You?re a guy. (makes Mozzarella stand on his hind legs) Well, you used to be.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Chandler is still traumatized by the video. Monica comes out in the red negligee.]

Monica: So, what do you think? (Chandler just stares at her) I?ve still got it.

Chandler: Why did you get me this?

Monica: What is it?

Chandler: It?s yelling, bleeding and dilating!! Oh, the dilating!

(Monica picks it up.)

Monica: Is the video of the baby being born? This is Phoebe?s. Wow, why were you even watching it?

Chandler: I thought that you had gotten me porn for Valentine?s Day.

Monica: Chandler, if you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine?s Day... (holds out a video) You were right. Apparently it, it?s about a young girl who moves to the big city in search of stardom and ends up having sex with a lot of guys. Y?know, it got four stars! Oh wait a minute, those aren?t stars. Hey, you want to take a look?

Chandler: Well, I?m not really in a sexy mood right now.

(Monica sits beside him.)

Monica: What?s going on?

Chandler: Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws? How long it took you to get into the water?

Monica: Chandler, we can?t let this tape wreck Valentine?s Day.

Chandler: Oh no, you didn?t see it.

Monica: Chandler, it?s a beautiful thing. It?s beautiful.

Chandler: Beautiful? Really? Oh, you think this is beautiful?!

(He turns it on.)

Candy: Ow!!! Oh!!!

Chandler: See, honey, that?s -

Monica: Don?t touch me!

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is there and Mona enters with a bag.]

Mona: Hi.

Ross: Hey!

Mona: Hi...

(They kiss.)

Ross: Hey, how was Atlantic City?

Mona: Good. I brought you back a present.

Ross: Aw, oh my... (takes out a box) Saltwater taffy!!! Thanks! (he kisses her) Y?know, it?s interesting. Most people think this is made with sea water. It?s actually made with, uh, salted freshwater. That?s not interesting.

Mona: I think it?s interesting.

Ross: I do too! I missed you!

(They kiss.)

Mona: Me too! So, how was your week?

Ross: Well, actually, the baby started kicking.

Mona: How exciting!

Ross: Oh, oh, it was amazing. The sad thing was, I couldn?t be there the first time.

Mona: Oh no.

Ross: Yeah, I know. And, uh, I missed all this other stuff too, so Joey suggested Rachel move in with me.

Mona: Yeah right.

Ross: What?

Mona: Joey cracks me up! Yeah! Why don?t you have your ex-wife move in with you? That wouldn?t be awkward at all!

Ross: Huh.

Mona: Hey, can you imagine? I go away for a few days, I come back, and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant! So, what?d you tell him?

(Ross makes noises indicating that his mouth is full.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: How could you not tell Mona that Rachel was living with you?

Ross: I don?t know. She seemed to think that it was such a crazy idea. Oh, plus, she got me, she got me taffy.

Phoebe: Taffy? Really? I?ve never had it.

Ross: Ever?

Phoebe: Well, my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats. (Ross offers her some) Thank you. So, what are you just never going to tell her?

Ross: Well, I will. I just wanna butter her up first. I?m going to take her to a Valentine?s Day dinner and do all this romantic stuff. Then, when she thinks I?m the best boyfriend ever, I?m going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.

Phoebe: If I haven?t said it before, she?s a lucky, lucky lady. So, where are you going to - What the mother of crap is up with this stuff/!! God, is it gum, is it food, what?s the deal?!! (chews some more) Oh, it?s nice. May I try a pink one?

(She takes one.)

[Scene: Joey?s place. He?s sitting on Francette and Mozzarella is on the footrest.]

Joey: So, between me and her being friends, and her history with Ross, it just isn?t going to happen. It?d be like you falling in love with a cat.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, buddy. How?s my favorite dog, huh? How?s my favorite dog? (Mozzarella doesn?t move) You?re subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: (to Mozzarella) Will you excuse us, we need to talk for a moment.

Joey: Yeah, sure. (realizes) Oh, me right.

(He gets up and they go into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: He?s miserable! What happened to him?

Joey: Nothing! I just...talked about stuff.

Phoebe: What kind?

Joey: Rachel kind of stuff.

Phoebe: Aw, Joey, you bummed him out! this is the happiest dog in the world and he spends half a day with you - look at him!

(Mozzarella is still laying on the footrest.)

Joey: He?s breathing.

Phoebe: Ok, I gotta take him back to Wendy.

Joey: No! He?s fine, see. Look, look, look. Here?s your ball! (throws it) Get your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball! Get - oh, what have I done to you, huh? I broke the dog!! I broke the dog!

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. Rachel is reading in the living room. Ross comes out of his room, ready for the Valentine?s Day dinner.]

Ross: Well, I?m going to go pick up Mona. what are you up to tonight?

Rachel: Oh, I got big Valentine?s plans. I?ve got my Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy.

Ross: You know, what?s interesting is most people thing that?s made with saltwater when it?s actually -

Rachel: Ross, we actually watched the documentary. (There?s a knock) Ooh, my Chinese food. Let me get my cash.

(She goes into her room. Ross opens the door...)

Ross: Mona! Mona, what did you - hi!

Mona: Hi.

Ross: I was supposed to pick you up.

Mona: I made you a special Valentine?s dinner. Surprise.

Ross: Aaaahhh-yay!!!

(She enters.)

Rachel: Oh hi, Mona!

Mona: Hi. Hi, Rachel. What?s she doing here?

Ross: I have no idea.

Rachel: I?ll be watching tv if anyone needs me.

(She goes to her room.)

Mona: Seriously, what is she doing?

Ross: Uh, lately, she just likes hanging out here.

Mona: Why?

Ross: I think she?s lonely.

Mona: Ok, but it?s Valentine?s Day. Can?t you just ask her to go?

Ross: Oh, no, no. She?s way too emotional. And by emotional, I mean

(He motions that Rachel?s crazy. The doorbell rings and Rachel gets the door.)

Rachel: I?m not here. That?s just my Chinese food.

Mona: She has food delivered her?

Ross: Uh, yes. She, she?s emotional, but, but ???.

Rachel: Y?know what I?m going to do? I?m going to get in my sweats and eat this in bed.

(She leaves.)

Ross: And you thought she was going to be in our way. Ok, why don?t you sit down and open the champagne? I?ve got a surprise for you!

Mona: You got another ex-wife back there?

(Ross laughs.)

Ross: Please start drinking.

(He goes into his room to get the surprise. Rachel comes out to take the phone.)

Rachel: I?m just going to grab the phone...

Mona: Rachel, I hope you, you don?t take this too seriously, but um, what are you doing?

Rachel: Oh, I?m sorry. Do you need the phone?

Mona: Ok, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this, this is his apartment and we gotta have some boundaries. So why don?t you just go back to your place and, and give us some privacy?

Rachel: But Mona, I, I live here.

(Ross comes out with the present.)

Ross: Happy Valentine?s Day!! Or, something to remember me by.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. They?re just sitting there.]

Monica: How long has it been this time?

(Chandler checks his watch.)

Chandler: Ninety seconds.

Monica: That?s better. Ninety seconds is a long time not to think about it. Except all I did was think about it.

Chandler: Y?know, it haunts me. Up til now, the worst thing I?ve ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.

Monica: We have to get past this. Why don?t we get rid of the tape and pretend like it never existed?

Chandler: I can do that.

Monica: Ok.

(Chandler puts the tape under the chair cushion.)

Chandler: Ok. All we?ve got to do is get rid of this chair.

(They try to kiss but move away. They try again but they?re interrupted by knocking.)

Monica: Oh thank God!! Come in!

(Rachel does.)

Rachel: Hi. I?m sorry to barge in on your Valentine?s, but I had to get away from all the yelling! Mona is dumping Ross.

Monica: Oh my God.

Chandler: Poor Ross. (They rush to the window) Oh God. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear, but for this, he closes his drapes.

Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape that you wanted to see?

Rachel: Umm hmm.

Monica: It?s here.

Chandler: Let me warn you before you watch it. Don?t watch it.

Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?!

Chandler: It?s ironic how footage of something being born can make you kill yourself.

Rachel: Wait, no, wait. Now I?m all freaked out. Come on. You guys will watch it with me.

Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.

Rachel: Come on, seriously you guys. You?re not going to let me watch this alone.

(Chandler and Monica look at each other.)

Monica: She?s right. Off course not. Go get the tape.

(Chandler sticks his hand under the cushion.)

Chandler: This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape. (puts it in the vcr) Ok, here we go.

(They sit down.)

Rachel: Ok. Ooh, ???. (Candy screams and so does Rachel) Oh, why is that baby torturing that woman?!!

Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!

Monica: It?s still beautiful.

Rachel: Ohh, it?s horrible!!

Monica: I know!! I?m so sorry for you!!

Rachel: Oh my God!!

Chandler: You guys, look.

Rachel: What, what, did her ass explode?

Chandler: No, the baby?s out. Look, look.

Monica: Oh, look at those fingers and toes.

Chandler: And look how happy the mom is now.

Monica: Oh Rach...

Rachel: Oh screw you guys. You don?t have to do it.

(She leaves.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Ross and Joey are there.]

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Joey: What?s up?

Ross: Uh, Mona just dumped me.

Joey: Oh, I?m sorry.

Ross: Ok.

Joey: Why?

Ross: Well, with everything that?s been going on lately, I haven?t exactly been the perfect boyfriend. I didn?t tell her that I got Rachel pregnant. I gave her a key to my apartment and then I got my locks changed. And then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me. In a way, I actually judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.

Joey: Still, that really sucks, man. On Valentine?s Day...

Ross: Yeah. Wait a minute. What, what are you going here? (Joey shrugs) Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine?s Day. What?s going on? Girl trouble?

Joey: Sort of.

Ross: Really?

Joey: You don?t have to seem so happy about it.

Ross: Sorry. Hey, maybe I can help.

Joey: I don?t know that -

Ross: Hey, hey, hey, hey, whatever it is, I?m sure it has happened to me. Y, y?know, once, once I got dumped during sex. (the women behind him stare and they go behind the couch) So, uh, what is it?

Joey: Forget about it. No big deal.

Ross: Joey, what is it?

Joey: It?s nothing.

Ross: Hey, hey, it?s me. Why can?t you tell me?

Joey: Oh, ok. Sit down. (they sit at a table) There?s this woman that I like. A lot. but, uh, it can?t happen.

Ross: She?s not a Tribbiani?

Joey: No!!!

Ross: So, uh, uh, is she someone from work? (Joey nods) Well, uh, does she like you?

Joey: Sometimes I think maybe she could. But it doesn?t matter because I can?t do anything about it.

Ross: Why not?

Joey: It?s complicated. Uh, she was with this other guy fro a long time. Someone from work too. And, uh, I could never do that to the guy. We?re really good friends.

Ross: So, uh, this, this guy that she used to go out with. Is she still in love with her?

Joey: I don?t think so.

Ross: Ok, um, is he a good guy?

Joey: Yeah, he?s the best.

Ross: Then talk to him. He might be fine with it.

Joey: Oh, uh, I dunno...

Ross: But Joey come on. It?s worth finding out. I mean, if you like her.

Joey: So much. I can?t stop thinking about her.

Ross: Y?know what, Joey, you have to go for it. How often does this happen to you, huh? I mean, you owe it to yourself.

Gunther: Here?s your warm milk.

Ross: I?m, I?m gonna, uh, I?m gonna put the bourbon in it at home. Anyways, seriously, just, just talk to the guy. Ok? And let me know how it goes.

(He?s about to leave.)

Joey: It?s Rachel.

(Ross stops in the doorway.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. Rachel?s got the video.]

Rachel: (in her head) You?re going to have a baby and you need to be prepared. You?re going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it.

(She pops it in.)

Woman: I came to the big city to become a star. I?ll do anything to make that happen.

Man: Anything?

(Porn music starts.)

Rachel: Hmm... Maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.

End
关键字:Friends,六人行,老友记
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