The One With the Baby Shower

Written By: Sherry Bilsing

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[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Monica and Phoebe are arranging food in the kitchen. Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hi.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. So, what?s the final head count on my baby shower?

Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.

Monica: Also, both your sister called and neither could make it.

Rachel: What? You mean, they?re not coming to a social event where there?s no man and no booze? It?s shocking! I don?t care. As long as my mom?s here.

Monica: Oh my God, your mother.

Rachel: What, my mom?s not going to be here?

Monica: Given that we forgot to invite her, it?d be an awful big coincidence if she was.

Rachel: Oh my God!

Monica: Well, it wasn?t my fault. Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.

Phoebe: Well, I don?t, I don?t have a mother, so often I forget taht -

Monica: Oh, give it a rest!

Rachel: So, my mother is not coming to my baby shower?

Phoebe: No. Neither is mine.

Monica: You know what, don?t worry. We?ll take care of it. We?ll call her. (ushers Rachel out) You just go home and get ready.

Rachel: Please make sure she comes. It?s real important to me. I mean, it?s my mom.

Phoebe: What?s her number?

Rachel: I don?t know!

Monica: Go! I have my book. Go! (Rachel leaves. Monica dials) Wait a minute, if you were in charge of the invitations, why am I the one who had to call? Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi, it?s Monica Geller.

(Cut to Sandra Green.)

Sandra: Hello, Monica.

(Cut to Monica.)

Monica: I know this is last minute, but we?ve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.

(Cut to Sandra.)

Sandra: I know. My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.

(Cut to Monica.)

Monica: Ok, I?m sorry, I?m so sorry.

(Cut to Sandra.)

Sandra: For what, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?

(Cut to Monica.)

Monica: Oh my God, my ass is sweating. Please, please, can you come? It?s at four.

(Cut to Sandra.)

Sandra: Well, all right. I?ll see you at four.

(Cut to Monica.)

Monica: Thank you.

(She hangs up.)

Phoebe: Isn?t it at three?

Monica: Son of a bitch!

(She picks up the phone.)

Opening Credits


[Scene: Joey?s place. He?s reading a script. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats.]

Chandler: Hey, Joey, wanna shoot some hoops?

(He throws him the basketball.)

Joey: Uh, I can?t go, I?m practicing. I got an audition to be the host of a new gameshow.

Ross / Chandler: Cool. / Yeah!

Joey: Yeah, yeah, it?s great. By day, I?ll be Drake Remoray and by night, I?ll be (gameshow host voice) Joey Triiiiibiani!

Chandler: You?ll be perfect for this. That?s already your name.

Joey: But the audition?s in a couple of hours and I don?t even understand the game!

Ross: You want some help?

Joey: Aw, really? That?d be great! You guys can be the contestants.

Ross: Awesome!

Chandler: Ok, I guess we can lose to junior high girls some other time.

(They sit on stools.)

Joey: (gameshow host voice) All right, let?s play Bamboozled!

Chandler: Bamboozled?

Joey: Isn?t that a cool name?

Ross / Chandler: Yeah! / No.

Joey: Uh, ok. Our first contestant is Ross Geller. Why don?t you tell us a little bit about yourself, Ross?

Ross: Oh, uh, I, uh, I?m a paleontologist. I live in New York. I have a son, uh, hi, Ben! And uh -

Joey: I said a little bit, Ross! How about you, Chandler?

Chandler: Well, Joey, I?m a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue[?] third world nations. Hi, Rasputin!

Joey: Excellent. Let?s play Bamboozled. You?ll go first. What is the capital of Colombia?

Chandler: Bogota.

Joey: It?s ?bah-GO-tah?, but close enough. Now you can either pass your turn to Ross, or pick a Wicked Wango card.

Chandler: What does a Wicked Wango card do?

Joey: I should know that. (searches through the book) Let?s see... just one moment please. Um, here, we go. A Wicked Wango card determines whether you go higher or lower.

Chandler: Higher or lower than what?

Joey: This is embarrassing!

(He searches for it.)

Chandler: Can you believe how lame this is?

Ross: I?m sorry. I believe that the contestants aren?t allowed to talk to each other.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. The party is underway. Phoebe and Monica are in the kitchen.]

Phoebe: Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five.

Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower? That is totally inappropriate.

Phoebe: He?ll be dressed as a baby. (Sandra enters) Oh, hi, Mrs. Green.

Sandra: Hi.

Phoebe: I?m so glad you could make it.

Monica: Yes, and once again, we couldn?t feel worse about it.

Sandra: Nice try. There?s my little girl.

(She goes over to Rachel.)

Monica: She?s still mad.

Phoebe: Yeah. I know. Isn?t it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.

Monica: Sandra?s mad at you too. It, it doesn?t bother you?

Phoebe: I?ve already apologized twice. I can?t do more than that. I know you hate it when people are mad at you, but you, you know, just have to be ok with it.

Monica: Ok. I can do that. I gotta go powder my ass.

Phoebe: Oh.

(Monica retreats to the bathroom.)

(Pan to Rachel and Sandra.)

Sandra: Look at that face. Just like whenever you were in high school. If I didn?t know better, I?d say you were a cheerleader in trouble. Come, let?s get some tea. (she helps Rachel up) Whew, my, look at that. Only three weeks to go. Now, have you picked your nanny yet? I don?t want you to just use your housekeeper. That?ll split her focus.

Rachel: Well, actually, I wasn?t going to use a nanny and I don?t even have a housekeeper.

Sandra: It?s like you?re a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don?t know how overwhelming this is going to be. Why, I had full time help when you were a baby. I had Mrs. Kay [?].

Rachel: Mrs. Kay, oh my, she was sweet! She taught me Spanish. Actually, I think I remember some of it. ?Tu madre es loca.? [Your mother is crazy.]

Sandra: Such a sweet woman.

Rachel: Yeah. Well, however great she was, I just can?t afford that.

Sandra: Oh Rachel! I just had the greatest idea. I?m going to come live with you.

Rachel: Wh-wh-what? What?

Sandra: Ooh, I?m so happy. I?m going to do this for my little girl. Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.

Rachel: Yes, yes, I do.

[Scene: Joey?s. They?re still playing.]

Joey: All right. Ross, you?re in the lead. Would you like to take another question or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ross: The wheel hasn?t been my friend tonight, Joey. Uh, I?ll take another question.

Joey: This is going to be tough. Hold your breath.

Ross: It?s ok. I?m ready.

Joey: Dude, you gotta hold your breath until you?re ready to answer the question.

Chandler: This ridiculous. He?s not going to hold his -

(Ross holds his breath.)

Joey: Ok. What do you have a fear of it you suffer from this phobia? Triska- Hold cow, that?s a big word. Trisk -. Seriously, look at this thing, Chandler.

Chandler: Yeah, let me see that.

Joey: This one right here.

Chandler: (quickly) Triskaidekaphobia.

(Ross takes a breath.)

Ross: Fear of triskets!!

Joey: No, no. Fear of the number thirteen.

Chandler: Fear of triskets?!

Ross: It?s possible. They have really sharp edges.

Joey: All right. Chandler, you?re up.

Ross: Wait a minute. I believe I am entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn?

Chandler: This game makes no sense!

Ross: You know, you?re just upset because you?re losing.

Chandler: No, Ross, I think we?re all losers here.

Joey: Chandler, you can either spin the wheel or pick a Google card.

Chandler: Let me think. Oh, uh, I don?t care.

Joey: You, you must choose, Mr. Bing.

Chandler: Either. It makes no difference.

Joey: Choose, you jackass.

Chandler: Ok, I?ll take a card.

Joey: Ok, you picked the Gimme card! You get all of Ross?s points.

Ross: What?!

Chandler: This game is kinda fun.

Ross: You don?t think that?s just a little crazy that you get all my -

Chandler: I don?t think the contestants should speak to each other.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. The baby shower. Rachel approaches Monica and Phoebe.]

Rachel: Why did you invite my mother?

Monica: What?

Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.

Phoebe: For how long?

Rachel: Eight weeks. I love my mother, but oh my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.

Monica: I personally would be honored if she wants to live with me.

Phoebe: She can?t hear you.

Rachel: But guys, come on, what am I going to do?!

Phoebe: If you don?t want her to come live with you, just tell her.

Rachel: You?re right! You?re right. I?m about to have a baby. I can tell my mother that I don?t want her to sleep on my couch. Oh my God, she?s going to want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen.

Monica: That?s right. That is right. You go over there and tell her you do no want her to live with you. Do not take no for an answer.

Rachel: Ok.

(She goes to reason with her mom.)

Monica: This is great. Now she?s going to be mad at Rachel. Y?know what, I?m just going to swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.

Phoebe: I have new respect for Chandler. (goes to the front of the living room) Ok, everybody, it?s time to open the presents!

(Monica runs over.)

Monica: Yes, yes, and I think the first present that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby. Because you?re the most important person in this room. And the world!

Sandra: Well, I don?t have a gift because I wasn?t invited until the very last minute, but thank you, dear, for bringing that to everybody?s attention.

Phoebe: How about you less important people, let?s open your presents!

(Rachel goes over to her mom.)

Rachel: Mom, it?s ok that you didn?t get me a gift.

Sandra: Well, I kinda did. Me. The gift that keeps on giving.

Rachel: You see, the truth is, I can do this on my own.

Sandra: Sweetheart, I know you?re going to be a terrific mom, but I think you need a little help, especially in the beginning.

Rachel: I really know what I?m doing. I can handle this.

Sandra: Remember Twinkles?

Rachel: He was a hamster!! I?m not going to vacuum up my baby!!

(Phoebe puts down a bassinet full of gifts.)

Phoebe; Ok, this is from all your friends at work.

Rachel: Oh my gosh, wow. (picks up something) Ok, I know what this is! Wait a minute. (studies it) That can?t be right. Is that a beer bong for the baby?

Sandra: Darling, that?s a breast pump.

Rachel: Did I say I was done guessing? Ok, thank you for that. (puts it down and picks up a Diaper Genie) Ooh, what?s this?

Lady: It?s a Diaper Genie.

Rachel: Ohh. It dispenses clean diapers.

Lady: No, it?s where you put the dirty ones.

Rachel: Well, that?s gross. Why can?t I just take it outside and put it in the dumpster?

Sandra: You?re going to do that ten times a day?

Rachel: It goes ten times a day?! What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?!

Sandra: No, dear, that?s what babies do.

Monica: Rach, listen to your mother. She is very smart.

Sandra: Well, what are you planning to do with the baby while you?re taking out the garbage ten times a day?

Rachel: I don?t know, leave it on the changing table? (everyone gasps) What? What?d I do? What?d I do?

Sandra: You can?t leave the baby alone!

Rachel: [stuttering] ...of course, I know that! I would never leave a baby alone. I think - she wouldn?t be safe. Not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Ok, you know what, opening the presents are a little overwhelming for me right now. I think I?m going to open them all a little later. Oh, thank you for all these beautiful gifts and this basket is really beautiful.

Lady: It?s actually a bassinet.

Rachel: Ok, Mommy, don?t ever leave me.

Commercial Break


[Scene: Joey?s. The game is still on and Chandler has gotten into it.]

Joey: In what John Houston film would you hear this line? ?Badges, we don?t need no stinking badges.?

Chandler: Treasure of the Sierra Madre!

Joey: Correct! There?s a possible backwards bonus.

Chandler: Madre Sierra the of Treasure!

Joey: Yes.

Chandler: I?d like to go up the Ladder of Chance at the Golden Mud Hut, please!

Joey: A wise choice. How many rungs?

Chandler: Six!

(Joey makes a monkey noise.)

Joey: That noise can only mean one thing.

Ross / Chandler: Golden monkey!!

Ross: I?d like a Wicked Wango card.

Joey: It?s an audio question. Name this television theme song.

(He hums the theme from I Dream of Jeannie.)

Ross: Oh, oh, oh my God! I know this, give me a second. [something]

Chandler: [something]

Ross: Shut up!! I Dream of Jeannie.

Joey: Right. You?re back in the lead.

Ross: I?d like to spin the wheel.

Joey: Rattattattattattat-tat-tat-tat-tat...tat...tat......tat

Ross / Chandler: Oh come on!!!

Joey: Super Speedy Speed Round.

Ross: Is there a Hopping Bonus?

Joey: Of course.

(Ross starts hopping.)

Joey: Who invented bifocals?

Ross: Benjamin Franklin!

Joey: Which monarch has ruled England the longest?

Ross: Queen Victoria.

Joey: Correct, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no Hopping Bonus.

Ross: No!!! Every time!!

Joey: Now, over to Chandler.

Chandler: I?d like a Google card!

Joey: Are you sure?

Chandler: yes. No! Google!!

Joey: Oh my God. Congratulations, Ross. Because, Chandler, you?ve been Bamboozled.

Chandler: No!!

Ross: Yes!!

Chandler: This is the best game ever!!!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Everyone?s left but Sandra. The presents have been opened and are everywhere.]

Rachel: You?re going to stay with me as long as I need you?

Sandra: Of course I am!

Rachel: Mother, I?m not an idiot. I?ve read all kinds of books on pregnancy and birth, but I?ve never read the part on what to do when the baby comes. And, and guess what, the baby?s coming and I don?t know what to do. could I throw up in my Diaper Genie?

Sandra: Oh, sweetie, you?re going to be fine.

(She gets up.)

Rachel: Where are you going, where are you going?

Sandra: I?m going to the bathroom. Now, don?t, don?t worry. Everything?s going to be ok.

(She hugs Rachel. Monica comes and hugs Sandra.)

Monica: I am going to be ok! Worth a shot.

(They get up. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Why are you all sweaty?

Ross: I just Bamboozled Chandler....which is not a sexual thing. That was a quick shower.

Phoebe: Not if you were here.

Ross: Wow, it looks like we got a lot of good stuff.

Rachel: Yeah, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.

Ross: (excited) A Play Doh barber shop?

Rachel: She?s going to live with us for eight weeks.

Ross: What?

Rachel: yes, she?s going to help us take care of the baby.

Ross: She didn?t - you?re not serious? I mean, she?s a very nice woman, but there?s no way we can take eight weeks of her. She?ll drive us totally crazy.

Sandra: [something]

Ross: Hey roomie!!!

(They hug.)

[Scene: Joey?s audition. He enters.]

Ray: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Ray: I?m Ray. I?m the producer of the show.

Joey: (gameshow voice) Nice to meet you, Ray.

Ray: And this is Duncan and Erin. They?re going to help out with the audition. Get the camera rolling.

Joey: Righty-o, Ray!

Ray: Whenever you?re ready.

Joey: Hi, I?m Joey Tribbiani. Let?s play Bamboozled. Erin, you get the first question. In hockey, who is known as the Great One?

Erin: Wayne Gretzky.

Joey: Correct. Would you like to pick a Wicked Wango card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

Ray: Uh, Joey, didn?t your agent give you the revised rules? We?ve eliminated all that. No wheels, no cards.

Joey: Why, why?

Ray: Uh, well, the game was too complicated and research shows that people didn?t follow it.

Joey: What?s too complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance, where you go past the Mud Huts, through the Rainbow Ring, to the Golden Monkey and yank its tail, and boom, you?re in Paradise Park.

Ray: Yeah. All that?s gone. it?s just going to be a simple question answer game now.

Joey: Well, what?s fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game? It?s just people standing around, answering questions?

Ray: There?ll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.

Joey: (gameshow host voice) Let?s play Bamboozled!

[Scene: Chandler and Monica?s. Ross is packing up all the gifts.]

Sandra: Ross, all those dinosaur knickknacks you have. I thought they might be more at home in the garage.

Ross: We, we don?t have a garage.

Sandra: Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

Ross: Y?know what, Mrs. Green, maybe it isn?t absolutely vital, letting you live with us.

Sandra: But Rachel needs help with the baby.

Rachel: I really do. I don?t know anything.

Ross: I?m sure that?s not true.

Rachel: Oh yeah? Pheebs, Monica, do I know anything about babies?

Phoebe: Not a thing.

Monica: It?s frightening.

(Rachel points to them for emphasis.)

Ross: Well, you, you know what, even if she doesn?t know anything, I do. I have a son and his mother and I didn?t live together, but whenever he?s with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.

Sandra: That?s true. You do have another child.

Ross: Yeah.

Sandra: With another woman. Have you no control, Ross?

Ross: That?s another issue. The point is, when the baby comes, I will be there to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that, I want to do all those things.

Sandra: Well, then you really don?t need me to live with you.


Ross: YES!!!!! ...Yes, yes, you?re going to be missed.

Sandra: You?re going to be a great father.

Ross: Aw, you?re going to be a wonderful grandma.

(They hug.)

Rachel: Hello?! I still don?t know what the hell I?m doing.

Ross: It?s ok, every first time mother feels that way. You, you?re going to pick it up. You will. Look, when you first came to the city, you were this helpless, spoiled little girl who still used her daddy?s credit cards.

Rachel: I hope you?re going somewhere with this.

Ross: Look at you. You?re this big executive. You are more capable than you give yourself credit for. I have no doubt you?re going to an incredible mother.

Rachel: You think?

Ross: I?m telling you.

(He kisses her (on the cheek).)

Sandra: All right, I?m going to get going. (Rachel and Ross get up) Oh no, you stay put. I?m going to let myself out. Thank you for having me here. Which I almost wasn?t.

(Monica tries to laugh.)

Monica: You?re so funny, you?re so funny. (to Phoebe) What do I do?!

Phoebe: Nothing. You have apologized to her like one thousand times and she has been nothing but horrible to you. Ok, you have thrown her daughter a lovely, albeit, boring, shower. And she hasn?t even thanked you for it.

Monica: Yeah. You?re right.

Phoebe: Yeah. If I were to say anything to her, I?d tell her off.

Monica: Really?

Phoebe: Uh huh.

Monica: Ok. I will. Mrs. Green, Mrs. Green. (they follow her into the hall) It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host. And also, when someone apologizes to you, the decent thing to do is to accept it. What I did to you wasn?t on purpose, but what you?re doing to me now is just plain spiteful.

Sandra: Spiteful?

Monica: That?s right. Maybe it?s time you took a good look at the mirror, young lady...old lady...lady!

Phoebe: Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up.

Monica: So, whenever you are ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day! (they go back in the apartment) I can?t feel my legs!

Phoebe: That?s fantastic! I?m so proud of you!

Monica: I?m proud of me too.

Phoebe: You should be.

Monica: Can, can you get me something to drink?

Phoebe: You got it!

(She goes to the kitchen. Monica runs out.)

Monica: Mrs. Green! I?m really sorry!! I apologize!! (she goes down the stairs and trips) Ok, I bit my tongue, but I?m still really sorry!!

Closing Credits


[Scene: Ross and Rachel?s. Rachel?s cramming.]

Rachel: Ok, I?m ready.

Ross: Are you sure?

Rachel: Yes. I?ve done my studying and I really know my stuff.

Ross: All right then. (gets up) (gameshow host voice) Rachel Green, let?s play Bamboozled! How do you test the temperature of the baby?s bath water?

Rachel: Put your elbow in it.

Ross: Excellent. How do you put a baby down for its nap?

Rachel: Clothed, dry, on its back and no loose covers.

Ross: Correct. This is an audio question. What do you do when the baby makes this sound?

(He makes a high pitched squeal.)

Rachel: Check if it?s wet. Check if it?s hungry. Burp it!

Ross: Excellent. Excellent. Now, would you like another question or a Wicked Wango card?

Rachel: A card, a card, I pick a card!

Ross: Oh, I?m sorry, You?ve been Bamboozled. You will be a terrible mother. ...I?ve lost track of why we?re doing this.

End
关键字:Friends,六人行,老友记
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