The One Where Rachel Has a Baby (Parts I and II)

Transcribed by: ?

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[Scene: The hospital registration desk. Ross wheels in Rachel.]

Ross: All right! Yes! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!

Rachel: Yes, the hard part is truly over.

Ross: Well, come on, we?re off to a great start, aren?t we?

(He kisses her on the forehead.)

Rachel: Mm.

Ross: But we?re here, aren?t we? I knew I?d get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!

(Phoebe and Monica come up.)

Phoebe: Aw, you made it!

Rachel: Hiii.

Monica: How are you doing?

Ross: How the hell did you beat us here?

Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?

Ross: No! No, we took a cab too, but I, I did test runs!

(Chandler and Joey appear with snacks.)

Chandler: Hi.

Joey: Ah, you made it!

Ross: All right, is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!

Rachel: Ross, sit here and talk. I?m going to have a baby.

(She starts wheeling herself towards the desk.)

Ross: Oh, ok. (They go up to the desk) Hi, this is Rachel Green and I?m Ross Geller. We called from the car.

Registration Lady: Right. We?ve got a semi-private room waiting for you, so why don?t I just -

Rachel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Semi-private? We, we, we asked for a private room.

Registration Lady: Yes, I see that here, but we can?t guarantee everyone a private room and currently there aren?t any available.

Chandler: Man, if only you had gotten here sooner.

Registration Lady: I?m sorry, semi-private rooms are all we have.

Rachel: Ok, just give us a second. Ross.

Ross: Yeah.

(He wheels her away.)

Rachel: Give them some money.

Ross: I really think they?re out of rooms.

Rachel: They?re not, Ross, they?re just saving them for the important people!! What, what if I was the president?

Ross: Then we?d be in a lot of trouble. You don?t know where any countries are. Ok. (goes up to the desk) Say, would you, would you mind checking again and see if any private rooms have opened up?

(He offers her the money.)

Registration Lady: This is a hospital.

(Rachel gets up.)

Rachel: You knwo what, I have to say that I don?t care for your tone and this isn?t the only hospital in the city and we have no problem to - Whoa. Whoa.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Contraction. (sits down) Ow, ow, ow, ooh, ooh, ah...

Registration Lady: Would you like a semi-private room?

Rachel: Yeah, it wouldn?t hurt to look.

(Ross wheels her off.)

Opening Credits


[Scene: Rachel?s semi-private room. Dr. Long is checking up on her.]

Dr. Long: Well, you?re only dilated two centimeters and you need to get to ten, so it might take awhile.

Rachel: Ok.

Dr. Long: I?ll be back in an hour to check you again.

Ross: Thank you.

Rachel: Thank you.

(Dr. Long leaves.)

Rachel: I guess we have some time to kill.

Ross: Yeah. I guess so. Check these out.

(He points to the stirrups in the other bed.)

Rachel: Uh huh.

(Ross lays on the bed and puts his legs on the stirrups.)

Ross: Never done this before.

Rachel: yeah, well, it looks good.

(A young couple enters.)

Man: (to nurse) Thank you very much.

(Ross tangles up the stirrups as he gets off the bed.)

Ross: Hi, I?m Ross. I?m here to destroy this magical day for you.

Man: Aw, no, no, not at all.

Woman: Don?t worry about it.

Man: Mark Korger [?], and this is my wife Julie.

(They shake hands.)

Ross: Hi Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Ross: This is Rachel.

Rachel: Hey, how are you?

Julie: Fine. Is this your first?

Rachel: Yeah.

Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third.

Ross: Oh.

Julie: If you have any questions or need anything at all, just holler.

Rachel: That?s sweet.

Ross: Yeah. Uh, say, I don?t want to disturb you, so I?ll put this up.

(He starts pulling out the curtain.)

Mark: Oh, nonsense, we?re in this together.

Julie: We?re going to share every moment of this with you. and I think we?re going to have some fun.

Ross: Oh, I guess.

Mark: Hey, smile.

Rachel: I don?t want any - (He snaps a picture anyway) Thank you. Oh, Ross.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Here comes another contraction.

Ross: Oh, just breathe.

Julie: Oh, honey, I think I?m having one too!

(Rachel and Julie moan/scream at the same time and Mark takes a picture.)

[Scene: The waiting area. The rest of the gang is sitting there, reading.]

Phoebe: Ugh, three hours and still no baby. The miracle of birth sure is a snoozefest.

Monica: Hey, you want to see something?

Phoebe: Sure, what?

Monica: This is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler.

Phoebe: Ok.

Monica: Honey?

Chandler: Yeah.

(Monica sits on his chair?s arm. )

Monica: Listen, I?ve been doing some thinking. I don?t know if it?s because I?m here, or that Rachel?s giving birth, but um, I think that we should try to have a baby.

Chandler: Ok.

Monica: What was that, now?

Chandler: I said, ok. I?ve been thinking about it too and I think we?re ready.

(Monica jumps up and freaks out.)

Monica: Wh-! Are you kidding me? You think we?re ready to have a baby now?

Phoebe: You?re right, this is fun.

Joey: You?re ready to have a baby? My boy?s all grown up!

Chandler: You said you were ready too!

Monica: Yeah, but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!

Chandler: Yes, but haven?t you wanted a kid for, like, ever?

Monica: Just back off, mister. Because I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.

(Joey looks up.)

Joey: (high voice) What?! Are you crazy?!

(Monica points at him.)

Monica: That was all I wanted!!

(She sits back down, satisfied.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross is giving Rachel a back rub. Mark pulls open the curtain.]

Mark: I?m sorry, the doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.

Rachel: That?s really very, very ok.

Mark: Julie?s cervix is dilated seven centimeters. That?s about four fingers. (They both hold up four fingers) The doctor let me feel it myself.

Julie: Have you felt Rachel?s cervix, Ross?

Rachel / Ross: We won?t be doing that.

Julie: Well, if you like, you can feel Rachel?s and then feel mine to compare.

(Judy Geller enters.)

Judy: Am I interrupting?

Rachel: Hi.

Ross: Yes, thank you.

Rachel: No...

Ross: Later.

Rachel: No, you can?t leave me alone with these people.

Ross: Oh, uh, I?m sorry.

(He leaves.)

Rachel: No, no, Ross, Ross... My child has no father!

(Cut to outside the room.)

Ross: Hi. Oh. (They hug and kiss) I?m so glad you?re here, but it?s going to be awhile and I wish you called first.

Judy: Ok, that?s all right, I?m coming back later with your father.

Ross: Oh.

Judy: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.

Ross: What?s up?

Judy: I brought you something to give to you. Assuming, of course, that you want it.

(She holds up a ring.)

Ross: Ma, you?re asking me to marry you?

Judy: This is your grandmother?s engagement ring. I want you to give it to Rachel.

Ross: Mom, no, thank you.

Judy: Just hear me out.

Ross: No, no! Ok? We, we been through this. We?re not going to get married just because she?s pregnant.

Judy: Honestly, Ross, this isn?t just some girl that you picked up in the bar and...humped. A child should have a family.

Ross: Ma, you know that, I can?t deal with this right now.

Judy: Just think about it. (holds out the ring) If you don?t, I?ll talk more about humping.

Ross: Give me that.

(He puts it in his pocket. Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Hi!

Judy: Hi, dear.

Rachel: Thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!

(He does. Judy leaves.)

[Scene: The waiting area. It?s nighttime. Ross is talking to the gang.]

Ross: She came to drag me out of the labor room to ask me why I?m not with Rachel.

Phoebe: Yeah... Why aren?t you with Rachel?

Ross: Are you kidding? Look, we?re not going to be together just because we?re having a baby, ok?

Phoebe: But it just seems that you two should be together.

Ross: Oh, stop it. I can?t go through with this right now. I have to go have a baby.

Phoebe: All right. And with who again?

(Ross leaves.)

Joey: He?s crazy! Why doesn?t he want to be with Rachel?

Monica: I know!

Joey: Seriously, she?s the perfect woman. I mean, I know she turned me down, but if she hadn?t, and she wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and... (they?re all watching him) I haven?t bummed you guys out like this in awhile.

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross enters. A new couple is unpacking.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Who?s that?

Rachel: New people.

Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?

Rachel: They?re having their baby. It?s not fair, Ross, I got here first! Right after you left, they wheeled her to delivery. Oh, but not before she gave me a nice, juicy shot of little Jamie, crowning away.

Ross: Ah, sorry. So, how are the new people?

Rachel: Well, they have some weird pet names for each other. Including, uh, Evil Bitch and, uh, Sick Bastard. Oh, gosh, contraction.

Rachel: Oh.

Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?

Sick Bastard: No!

Evil Bitch: Don?t look at her, you sick bastard!

Sick Bastard: Honey, I swear, I wasn?t looking at her!

Evil Bitch: She?s in labor! You like that, you sick son of a bitch?

Ross: Uh, I?m just going to...

(He closes the curtains.)

Evil Bitch: See, it?s because you were looking, you sick pervert.

Ross: No, no, I?m sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy.

Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?

Ross: Just ignore them.

(Ross tucks Rachel in while Sick Bastard sits on a chair and stares at them.)

Rachel: Ross, Ross.

Ross: What?

Rachel: He?s looking at me.

Ross: Hey! (opens curtains) You want to live to see the birth of your baby?

Evil Bitch: Don?t talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard.

(Ross and Rachel shrug. Sick Bastard pulls back the curtains.)

[Scene: Outside the nursery. Chandler is looking in the window. Monica comes up.]

Monica: Oh, good God! If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it! (The nurse inside stares at them. They walk away from the window) What is wrong with you? Since when have you been so crazy about babies?

Chandler: I?m not crazy about the babies. I?m crazy about us.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Oh, we?ve always talked about having babies someday. I?m not saying we have to right now, but I?m starting to think that we can handle it. We?re god. We?re really good.

(They kiss.)

Monica: We are pretty good.

Chandler: But nothing has to happen until you?re ready.

Monica: Maybe I?m ready now. It?s a little scary, but maybe it?s right.

Chandler: What?! It?s not right! We?re not ready to have a kid now!!

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I?m kidding. This is going to be fun.

Monica: So, we?re gonna try? I mean, we?re trying?

Chandler: We?re trying to get pregnant. (they kiss) You know what, I?m not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?

Monica: All right, hold on a second.

(She starts counting on her fingers.)

Chandler: Period math?

Monica: yeah. Oh, we could start trying now.

Chandler: Right here?

Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.

Chandler: Maybe it?s perfect. We have a lot of time to kill and we?re in a building that?s full of beds!

Monica: It?s so clean!

(They walk off with their arms around each other.)

Commercial Break


[Scene: A hall with vending machines. Phoebe gets a Sprite while Joey shakes the snack machine.]

Joey: Come on, you stupid machine, come on!

Phoebe: Aw, it ate your money?

Joey: No.

Phoebe: All right, I?ll see you downstairs then.

Joey: All right.

Phoebe: Bye.

(She leaves. Joey continues shaking the poor machine.)

Joey: Hey, I got one, I got one!

(He grabs what looks like a bag of chips.)

(Cut to Phoebe at the elevators. A guy in a wheelchair with his right leg in a cast is there waiting.)

Phoebe: Hi.

Guy: Hi. Oh, uh, up or down?

Phoebe: Down, please. (He tries to press it, but the cast is sticking out and in the way) I hate to be a ball buster, but can I just do it?

(She pushes the button.)

Guy: Could you please press the up key?

Phoebe: Sure. (she does) I feel so bad for you, I broke my leg once too.

Guy: Really? What happened?

Phoebe: It?s a long story and it?s really embarrassing. let?s just say that there was a typographical error on a sex manual. How about you?

Guy: Car accident.

Phoebe: Uh, let me guess. Some idiot on a cell phone wasn?t paying attention?

Guy: Yeah. Me.

(The door opens.)

Phoebe: Ok.

Guy: Oh, hey, that?s me. (gets in) Hey, uh, I take it you?re visiting someone.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Guy: Well, if you have some time and you like to visit someone else...

Phoebe: Yeah, uh huh. I would like that!

Guy: I?m in room -

(The door closes.)

Phoebe: Wait!! Wait!! No!! Elevator!! Ele - !!! Oh!

(Joey walks up.)

Joey: Oh, you gotta press the button.

(He does.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross enters.]

Ross: The nurse said to bring in another woman.

(Rachel is standing at the side of the bed.)

Rachel: Uh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn?t need to be. She?ll still have the baby before I do. Oh, Ross, another contraction!

Ross: Here, here. (he stands behind her and holds her hands) That?s it, that?s it.

(The woman is wheeled in.)

Woman: Ooh, that sounds like a bad one.

Rachel: Yeah, it is.

Woman: I haven?t had one so bad. Ooh, here comes one now! (makes some weird noise...it?s obviously not a bad contraction) Well, that was a big one.

(Rachel motions to Ross and he closes the curtains.)

[Scene: The registration desk. Phoebe goes up.]

Phoebe: Excuse me. Could you help me? The patient I?m looking for has a broken leg, he?s in a wheelchair, and he?s like in his early to mid thirties, very attractive.

Registration Lady 2: I know who you?re talking about.

Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! What room number is he in?

Registration Lady 2: I?m sorry. That information is restricted to hospital standards.

(Joey walks up.)

Joey: (in his soap opera voice) Uh, she?s with me. Dr. Drake Remoray.

(He shakes hands with her.)

Registration Lady 2: Dr. Drake who?

Joey: Remoray. It?s Portuguese. We need that information, I?m a doctor.

Registration Lady 2: A doctor at this hospital?

Joey: Dammit, woman, we?re losing time! Now, do you want this man?s blood on your head?

Phoebe: Hands.

Joey: ...hands? It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room that man my assistant just described is staying in. He?s a patient of mine. I?ve been treating him for years.

Registration Lady 2: He?s in room 816.

Joey: 816. Thank you!

Phoebe: Thank you.

Joey: And what is his name?

Phoebe: No...

(She drags him away.)

[Scene: An empty room. Chandler and Monica peek in and enter.]

Monica: We found a place.

Chandler: Ok.

(They start making out.)

Monica: Wait, don?t we have to set the mood a little?

Chandler: Oh. We?ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (he hits the switch and they go completely out) Or, turn them out altogether. No scented candles... Oh, here, here we go.

(He sprays air freshener over the bed that Monica is laying on.)

Monica: Ok, ok. Making me sterile, but ok. (They start making out on the bed) That?s right. (starts unbuttoning her shirt) Oh, wait, do we have a condom? ...Oh, that?s right.

(They continue until the lights turn on and a nurse stands in the doorway, looking at them.)

Chandler: Oh yes, 98.6 You?re going to be fine.

(He gets off her.)

[Scene: The hall. Joey and Phoebe search for room 816.]

Phoebe: Oh, this is it.

(She peeks in. The guy is eating.)

Joey: Great. Great. Go.

Phoebe: Wait a second. Or maybe, you could go in first.

(Joey peeks in.)

Joey: He?s not really my type.

Phoebe: No, not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. you could ask him questions and see what he?s like. People tell doctors everything.

Joey: You said he was this great guy.

Phoebe: All the guys I meet seem real nice at first, but then they seem like the biggest jerks!

Joey: You do attract some stinkers.

Phoebe: Yeah.

(She starts messing with a tray of instruments, which includes a stethoscope.)

[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Dr. Long is back.]

Rachel: Dr. Long, I?ve been in labor for seventeen hours. Three women have come and gone with their babies. You have got give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long: Three.

Ross: Three?! I?m dilated three!!!

Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Long: Don?t worry. You?re doing great. I?ll be back soon.

(She leaves.)

Rachel: Hey, y?know what, I?m not waiting. I?m going to push the baby out. I, I mean, three centimeters, it?s gotta be like this.

(She holds her hands about eight centimeters apart.)

Ross: Actually, it?s more like this.

(He pushes them in.)

Rachel: Ugh, stupid metric system.

(A woman gets wheeled in on a bed, screaming.)

Doctor: Oh my. We need to take you straight to the delivery room.

(She?s wheeled out.)

Rachel: For the love of God!!

Woman: It?s coming, it?s coming!

Doctor: And here it is!

(The baby cries.)

Rachel: Oh come on!!

[Scene: Room 816. Joey enters as Dr. Drake Remoray, and wearing a white doctor?s jacket.]

Joey: Hey, I?m Dr. Drake Remoray and I?ve got a few routine questions I need to ask you.

Guy: But, really, I?ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.

Joey: I know, but just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of your status and he sent me.

Guy: Dr. Wells is a woman.

Joey: That was a test. You passed. All right. Full name.