Want happier, better-adjusted kids? Pay less attention to them.
So argues David Code, an Episcopal minister and family coach, in a recent Christian Science Monitor opinion piece titled 'Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids.' He says families centered on children 'create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled kids.'
Mr. Code says spouses too often flee from interacting with each other by staying late at work, turning on the TV─or interacting with the kids instead. What could be wrong with focusing on the children? Two things, he says: 'First, it becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child's character, so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way. Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior. Second, we put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out.'
Working to create a great marriage, by accepting your spouse for who he or she is and not letting the fight-or-flight responseoverwhelm your passion for each other, helps kids to 'learn self-reliance and cooperation, and become citizens instead of consumers,' Mr. Code says. 'Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage. Then the rest falls into place.'
My colleague Cybele Weisser delved into these issues a bit with a recent post on how much time you should devote to playing with your kids. In my family, I feel like we've struck a good balance with our daughter and son, who turn 7 and 4 next month. As I noted in a post in May, we make sure to find time for silly, creative play with the kids. Recently, we got tandem bike attachments so the whole family can ride together, and we've been going on nice weekend excursions around our suburban area. But we've also instituted a rule that the kids can't barge into our bedroom before 7 a.m. on weekdays and 7:30 on weekends, and we appreciate that they're now able to engage in enough self-directed play that we can spend some time just chatting with each other.
Readers, what do you think of Mr. Code's prescription for a happy marriage and well-adjusted children?
希望孩子更快乐、更有适应能力吗？那就对他们少些关注吧。
这是大卫•考德(David Code)的观点。这位圣公会牧师和家庭辅导员不久前在《基督教科学箴言报》(Christian Science Monitor)发表了一篇名为《把婚姻置于孩子之上》(Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids)的文章。他说，以孩子为中心的家庭会让父母变得焦躁不安、身心俱疲，并让孩子索求无度、恃宠而娇。
考德指出，为了逃避与另一半互动，夫妻二人常常加班耗到很晚，或是一直守在电视跟前，或是只跟孩子交流，这种情况在生活中太常见了。那么，一味关注孩子有什么坏处呢？考德指出了如下两点。首先，如此行事很难尊重并巩固那些对孩子性格起到塑造作用的界限，在这种情况下孩子为了达到自己的目的会一直缠着父母不放。孩子今后的老板和配偶对这种行为可能就没有那么大的耐心了。其次，我们给孩子施加了巨大的压力，以满足我们自己的情感需求，这可能会令他们发泄情绪。
考德说，应当努力去营造美满的婚姻，爱一个人就要接受他/她的一切，不要让"或战或逃"的应激反应压倒你们对彼此的热情。这样会帮助孩子学会自立与合作，成长为有责任心的人而不是只知道索取的人。不要试图将孩子置于我们生活的中心，为他们创造所谓的完美童年，我们应当将重点放在营造美好婚姻上，然后其余的一切就都可以顺其自然了。
我的同事西布莉•魏瑟尔(Cybele Weisser)对这类问题进行了研究，并在最近发表了一篇有关应当花多少时间跟孩子一起玩的文章。在我家里，我觉得我们在跟子女相处方面实现了很好的平衡，我们的女儿和儿子将在下个月分别年满7岁和4岁。正如我在5月份的一篇文章里提到的那样，我们一定会找时间跟孩子们一起玩一些看起来傻乎乎、但充满创造性的游戏。最近，我们还买了多人自行车，这样一家人就可以一块儿骑车玩了，天气好的周末我们还会去郊区远足。但我们也定了规矩：孩子们平时早上7点、周末早上7:30以前不能闯进我们的卧室。我们很高兴他们现在能自己在一边玩，这样我们起码能有时间说说私房话了。
亲爱的读者，你们对考德为培养快乐婚姻和具有良好 应能力的孩子而开出的"处方"怎么看？
关键字:双语新闻
生词表:
So argues David Code, an Episcopal minister and family coach, in a recent Christian Science Monitor opinion piece titled 'Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids.' He says families centered on children 'create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled kids.'
Mr. Code says spouses too often flee from interacting with each other by staying late at work, turning on the TV─or interacting with the kids instead. What could be wrong with focusing on the children? Two things, he says: 'First, it becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child's character, so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way. Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior. Second, we put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out.'
Working to create a great marriage, by accepting your spouse for who he or she is and not letting the fight-or-flight responseoverwhelm your passion for each other, helps kids to 'learn self-reliance and cooperation, and become citizens instead of consumers,' Mr. Code says. 'Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage. Then the rest falls into place.'
My colleague Cybele Weisser delved into these issues a bit with a recent post on how much time you should devote to playing with your kids. In my family, I feel like we've struck a good balance with our daughter and son, who turn 7 and 4 next month. As I noted in a post in May, we make sure to find time for silly, creative play with the kids. Recently, we got tandem bike attachments so the whole family can ride together, and we've been going on nice weekend excursions around our suburban area. But we've also instituted a rule that the kids can't barge into our bedroom before 7 a.m. on weekdays and 7:30 on weekends, and we appreciate that they're now able to engage in enough self-directed play that we can spend some time just chatting with each other.
Readers, what do you think of Mr. Code's prescription for a happy marriage and well-adjusted children?
希望孩子更快乐、更有适应能力吗？那就对他们少些关注吧。
这是大卫•考德(David Code)的观点。这位圣公会牧师和家庭辅导员不久前在《基督教科学箴言报》(Christian Science Monitor)发表了一篇名为《把婚姻置于孩子之上》(Put Your Marriage Before Your Kids)的文章。他说，以孩子为中心的家庭会让父母变得焦躁不安、身心俱疲，并让孩子索求无度、恃宠而娇。
考德指出，为了逃避与另一半互动，夫妻二人常常加班耗到很晚，或是一直守在电视跟前，或是只跟孩子交流，这种情况在生活中太常见了。那么，一味关注孩子有什么坏处呢？考德指出了如下两点。首先，如此行事很难尊重并巩固那些对孩子性格起到塑造作用的界限，在这种情况下孩子为了达到自己的目的会一直缠着父母不放。孩子今后的老板和配偶对这种行为可能就没有那么大的耐心了。其次，我们给孩子施加了巨大的压力，以满足我们自己的情感需求，这可能会令他们发泄情绪。
考德说，应当努力去营造美满的婚姻，爱一个人就要接受他/她的一切，不要让"或战或逃"的应激反应压倒你们对彼此的热情。这样会帮助孩子学会自立与合作，成长为有责任心的人而不是只知道索取的人。不要试图将孩子置于我们生活的中心，为他们创造所谓的完美童年，我们应当将重点放在营造美好婚姻上，然后其余的一切就都可以顺其自然了。
我的同事西布莉•魏瑟尔(Cybele Weisser)对这类问题进行了研究，并在最近发表了一篇有关应当花多少时间跟孩子一起玩的文章。在我家里，我觉得我们在跟子女相处方面实现了很好的平衡，我们的女儿和儿子将在下个月分别年满7岁和4岁。正如我在5月份的一篇文章里提到的那样，我们一定会找时间跟孩子们一起玩一些看起来傻乎乎、但充满创造性的游戏。最近，我们还买了多人自行车，这样一家人就可以一块儿骑车玩了，天气好的周末我们还会去郊区远足。但我们也定了规矩：孩子们平时早上7点、周末早上7:30以前不能闯进我们的卧室。我们很高兴他们现在能自己在一边玩，这样我们起码能有时间说说私房话了。
亲爱的读者，你们对考德为培养快乐婚姻和具有良好 应能力的孩子而开出的"处方"怎么看？
关键字:双语新闻
生词表:
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