Desperate Housewives - Episode 02.17 - Could I Leave You?

Gabrielle's House - Daytime

Gabrielle anxiously looks out her front window and smiles as a car pulls up in front of the house.

"Gabrielle Solis had always been a demanding shopper."

Gabrielle: "Carlos, come on, they're here!"

"And whatever the purchase, she always expected the very best."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

Gabrielle opens the door to the delivery man, who hands her a package.

"Whether it was exotic perfume shipped over from Paris..."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

A delivery man hands Gabrielle another package.

"...a high fashion gown straight from a runway in Milan..."

Flashback - Gabrielle's Front Porch

A delivery man hands Gabrielle a stack of shoe boxes.

"...or designer shoes flown in from Manhattan."

Present - Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle stands in her foyer, visibly excited.

"But on this day, her expectations were going to be put to the test."

Carlos enters the foyer and kisses Gabrielle.

"You see, Gabrielle was now shopping for a baby."

Gabrielle and Carlos open the front door.

"And there was a problem with the manufacturer."

Gabrielle's Front Porch

Their lawyer, Mr. Beale, is standing with a very unattractive pregnant girl.

Gabrielle's Living Room

Mr. Beale is sitting on the couch with the very unattractive girl.

Deanna: "Mostly, I just want to feel like I'm giving my baby to people who have what it takes to be really great parents."

Carlos: "Well, you won't find another couple with more love for a child. Isn't that right, honey? Honey?"

Gabrielle: "What? Right, lots of love. Honey, can I talk to you for a second?"

Carlos and Gabrielle go out to the front porch.

Gabrielle: "Okay, look, we have to find another mother."

Carlos: "Why?"

Gabrielle: "Okay, this isn't easy to say, so I'm just gonna say it, but have you taken a good look at her?"

Carlos: "Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?"

Gabrielle: "No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working."

Carlos: "No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests."

Gabrielle: "With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show. Look, Carlos, I am sorry, but I want a pretty baby, so let's find another mother."

Carlos: " Mm-mm, I'm not gonna let your shallow obsession with looks screw this up. I want a child. Any child."

Gabrielle: "Fine. Just know that in a couple of days, when that thing is born, and you're gonna have to cuddle and snuggle up with something with that face on it, don't come crying to me."

Carlos and Gabrielle go back into the living room.

Carlos: "I'm sorry. Now, where were we?"

Mr. Beale: "We were just talking about the custody arrangement once Deanna gives birth. It's usually best that the mother doesn't see the child at all. So, as soon as the doctors finish giving their initial checkup..."

Carlos watches as Deanna take a chip and dips it into guacamole. She bites into the chip and there is guacamole left on her face. Carlos continues watching her eat the chips, licking off the guacamole and becomes disgusted. Carlos glances sideways at Gabrielle.

Mr. Beale: "...the baby will be handed over to you."

"Yes, Gabrielle had always been a demanding shopper."

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Gabrielle closes the attorney's passenger on Deanna.

Gabrielle: "Sorry."

"Because she knew there are some purchases that can't be returned."

Opening Credits

Hospital Hallway

Several hospital staff members are wheeling Deane into the delivery room.

"At 6:10 the next morning, Deanna Pruse went into premature labor and gave birth to what would eventually be an incredibly attractive baby boy."

Hospital Delivery Room

A nurse holds the baby as the doctor cuts the umbilical cord.

"Dr. Hanson Mills cut the umbilical cord, forever separating mother and child."

Hospital Hallway

Dr. Ron is walking to Susan's room.

"At that exact same moment, Dr. Ron McCready entered the private room of Susan Mayer with every intention of severing their connection."

Dr. Ron: "Hey there. How's it going?"

Susan: "Great. I'm about to be released."

Susan is in a wheelchair.

Dr. Ron: "Oh, that's terrific. Who's Mike?"

Susan: "I, why do you ask?"

Susan wheels herself away from Dr. Ron and bumps into various pieces of furniture.

Dr. Ron: "I don't know. No reason. Ah, it's just, uh, just before the operation, just before you went under, I said, 'I love you,' and you said, 'I love Mike.'"

Susan: "I did? Oh, is that why you hadn't been in to see me since my surgery?"

Dr. Ron: "Answer the question."

Susan: "I don't even know a Mike."

Dr. Ron: "Everyone knows a Mike."

Susan: "Yes, everyone does know a Mike. Actually, you're right. I did know a Mike in college. We did this play together, Pippin. It wasn't very good. Anyways, I never thought of him, so you shouldn't be accusing me. I was probably just hallucinating."

Dr. Ron: "Fine, fine. So, who's the guy you're married to?"

Susan: "Damn that Nurse Heisel!"

Dr. Ron: "Or should I say, who's the guy you're cheating on?"

Susan: "Okay, yes, I did remarry my ex, but it was only because he has great health insurance. Did Miss Blabbermouth tell you that, too?"

Dr. Ron: "You, you committed insurance fraud?"

Susan: "Only in the legal sense. And I just didn't tell you because I wanted to protect you."

Dr. Ron: "Susan."

Susan: "Okay, you know what? You should come over to dinner and meet Karl, and you can see that there is absolutely nothing between us."

Dr. Ron: "So wait, once you're fully recovered, you're gonna divorce him?"

Susan: "Oh, yeah, that's the plan. I swear."

Dr. Ron: "And you swear that you're not in love with anyone named Mike?"

Susan: "Sure."

Dr. Ron: "Okay. Come here."

He hugs Susan.

Dr. Ron: "I believe you."

Alcohol Anonymous Meeting

Bree is sitting in a circle with other AA members. She is embroidering and not paying attention to what anyone is confessing.

Member #1: "Next morning, I woke up in an alley. My wallet had been stolen. I was lying in a pool of my own vomit. That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom."

Everyone claps.

Peter: "Okay, who's next? Bree."

Bree: "Oh, um, I couldn't possibly top that. Thank you, though."

After the meeting, Bree is cleaning off the messy refreshment table when the counselor, Peter, walks up to her.

Bree: "Hi. Before coming to these meetings, I never realized how messy substance abusers can be."

Peter: "We usually leave the doughnut crumbs for the Overeaters Anonymous group that meets after us. You know, just to mess with 'em."

Bree: "You're awful."

Peter: "So tell me, Bree. How long have you been sober?"

Bree: "Gosh, um, I'm not exactly sure."

Peter: "Oh. Is somebody still drinking?"

Bree: "Now why would you say that?"

Peter: "I've never met an alcoholic yet who didn't know exactly how long it'd been since his last drink."

Bree: "Okay, you got me. I'm not really an alcoholic."

Peter: "You don't say."

Bree: "It's true. I'm coming here because of my son. You see, he's, he's trying to take me to court to become an emancipated minor, and he's planning on lying to the judge and telling him that I am some sort of dreadful lush. So I'm coming to these meetings to give the impression that I have changed."

Peter: "But you don't really need to change because you don't have a problem with alcohol."

Bree: "Exactly."

Peter: "I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?"

Bree: "I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality."

She does a quick check of the table, then walks off. Peter looks down at a perfectlyimmaculate table.

Parcher & Murphy - Lynette's Office

Lynette is serving donuts and pastries to a woman, Veronica, being interviewed. Veronica is eating a donut.

Lynette: "Word is out all over town that you're unhappy at Zimms, so why not jump ship and come to Parcher Murphy? I swear, Veronica, you would fit in so well here."

Veronica: "I do need to make a change, Lynette, but the money you're offering..."

Lynette: "Yeah, it sucks but there are other perks: the expense account, the corner office..."

Veronica: "I don't know. You're just gonna have to give me some time to think about it."

Veronica grabs another donut and begins eating.

Lynette: "Fair enough, fair enough. Okay, what is your secret? How can you eat like that and keep your figure?"

Veronica: "It's the breast-feeding. It burns so many calories. It's like having a treadmill strapped to your chest."

Lynette: "I didn't know you had a child."

Veronica: "Yes, my son Donovan. He's the love of my life."

Lynette: "Really, Veronica? Well, you know, there's another perk that I just thought of."

Parcher & Murphy - Day Care Center

Veronica and Lynette are looking in the center.

Veronica: "Oh, my gosh, this is fantastic! They don't have day care at Zimms."

Lynette: "How can they not? For working parents like you and me, it's a necessity. So, is the pot getting sweeter?"

Veronica: "Would people here be cool about my breast-feeding Donovan? The guys at Zimms were real jerks about that."

Lynette: "Parcher & Murphy is completely mother-friendly. No one would say a word."

Veronica: "Oh! What the heck, I'm in."

Lynette: "Yeah? Well, that's fantastic!"

Veronica: "Oh, my god, whose kids are those?"

Lynette's sons are knocking over a table, shouting and laughing.

Lynette: "I have absolutely no idea. Let's go hammer out the details."

Veronica: "Okay."

Mr. Beale's Office

Carlos and Gabrielle are looking at photos of prospective mothers. The photos look like mug shots.

Carlos: "Mm. Ooh."

Gabrielle: "These can't be our only choices, Mr. Beale. I mean, come on. Each girl is uglier than the next."

Mr. Beale: "Look, finding a gorgeouspregnant woman who's willing to give her baby to a couple with a criminal record isn't exactly a walk in the park."

Gabrielle: "I don't care if it's a walk in the sewer. We are hemorrhaging money into your bank account and I expect to see results."

Mr. Beale: "You know, Mrs. Solis, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."

Gabrielle: "If I wanted to catch flies, all I would have to do is call up one of these girls. Trust me, the flies would follow."

The intercom beeps.

Receptionist: "Excuse me, sir, there's a Libby Collins here for you."

Mr. Beale: "I'll be right out there. Uh, I took the liberty of inviting this girl down here to meet you. Now I wouldn't exactly say she's a quality human being, but she is attractive. If you don't respond to her, I'm afraid I'm out of ideas."

Mr. Beale leaves the room.

Carlos: "He's going to dump us as clients if you don't stop being so damn picky."

Gabrielle: "We are gonna have to stare at this face for the next eighteen years. I don't think now is the time to skimp on quality."

Mr. Beale enters with a beautiful pregnant blonde woman.

Mr. Beale: "Gabrielle, Carlos...I'd like you to meet Libby."

Gabrielle (whispering to Carlos): "Well, now, this I can work with."

Later, Libby, Carlos, Gabrielle and Mr. Beale are all sitting in his office talking.

Libby: "So, getting pregnant was the worst thing that could've ever happened to me, 'cause I went into debt and I had to stop performing."

Mr. Beale: "Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club."

Gabrielle: "Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work."

Libby: "You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer."

Carlos: "Really?"

Libby: "Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you."

Carlos: "Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, we'll do that. So, Libby, who's the father?"

Libby: "Honesty, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of guys who come into the club, and they all buy me drinks, and sometimes I get a little bit more friendly than I intend to. I hope you don't think I'm a slut."

Gabrielle: "No. No, actually, all we think about when we look at you is how pretty you are."

Carlos: "Well, I've heard enough, Mr. Beale. If Libby here likes us as much as much as we like her, we should just go ahead and move to adopt her baby girl."

Libby: "First, we should probably talk about how much money I want."

Mr. Beale: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's buying a baby here. That's illegal. Money can never exchange hands. Libby, you'll make a list of your expenses and the Solises here will pay."

Libby: "Oh, but can't they also buy me gifts? I knew this one girl who gave up her baby and she got a Harley."

Carlos: "Well, I don't know that we can afford a Harley, but I'm sure we'll find some way to express our gratitude."

Libby looks at Gabrielle and Carlos's hands, which are intertwined, and at the flashy jewelry they're each wearing.

Libby: "Okay. Whatever. Well, my lunch break is over, so I have get back to the club. 'Till I get rid of this kid, they got me slinging drinks. It was really nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Soulless."

Gabrielle: "Oh, it's actually pronounced Solis."

Libby: "Sorry. So what kind of name is that?"

Carlos: "Ah, it's Mexican. Both our families come from Guadalajara."

Libby: "Huh. I figured you were Italian."

Gabrielle: "Nope. Latino. Proud of it."

Libby: "Good for you."

She leaves.

Susan's House

Susan (in a wheelchair), Bree, and Gabrielle at looking at pictures of Libby.

Susan: "Wow, she's gorgeous."

Gabrielle: "Yeah, my little girl's gonna inherit some wonderful genes."

Bree: "Is this Libby's real hair color?"

Gabrielle: "Yes, it's all natural, from her straight teeth to her C cup. And I know she's athletic because she's a pole dancer, so I really hope that my little girl inherits that as well. No, the athletic gene, not the pole dancing gene."

The ladies turn as they hear Karl calling out.

Karl: "Susie, baby? Oh, I got your call, uh, I thought I'd stop by. I didn't realize you had company. Hello, ladies."

Karl starts to wheel Susan out of the room.

Susan: "Um, we'll just be a second."

Karl: "Just be a second."

Susan: "Be right back."

They leave the room.

Bree: "Did he just call her baby?"

Gabrielle: "Yeah. When did they stop hating each other?"

Susan's Dining Room

Susan: "I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me."

Karl: "Now why would I do that?"

Susan: "Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life."

Karl: "I'll bring the wine."

Susan's Living Room

Bree: "Well, you know, before Mike came along, I always just assumed they'd get back together."

Gabrielle: "Why? I thought they always annoyed the heck out of each other."

Bree: "You didn't know them during the good times. I mean, there was such a spark between them, so much passion. They would always make each other laugh."

Susan's Dining Room

Karl laughs.

Karl: "You actually told Dr. Ron that you still love Mike?"

Susan: "Okay, will you shut up? It's not funny. I was drugged."

Karl: "Right, sorry, sorry. So how'd you get out of that one?"

Susan: "I lied and I told him I didn't know a Mike."

Karl: "Everyone knows a Mike."

Susan: "I am aware of that."

Karl: "So why didn't you just?quot;

Susan: "Because I panicked. Okay, Dr. Ron hadn't come in to see me since the operation and I was feeling insecure and..." (whispers) "I just didn't feel like the truth was a luxury I could afford." (normal voice) "Yes, go ahead. You may resume laughing."

Karl wheels Susan back into the living room. Karl is laughing.

Karl: "Ladies, always a pleasure."

He kisses Susan on the forehead.

Karl: "And you, I'll see you tomorrow."

He leaves and Susan notices the other women staring at her.

Susan: "What?"

Advertising Agnecy - Lynette's Office

Veronica: "This is just a preliminary sketch, but you see what I'm thinking of?"

Lynette: " I love it. I just love it. Let's get a copy to Ed."

Lynette's cell phone rings.

Lynette: "Oh, shoot. I gotta take this one. I'm sorry. It's Tom."

Veronica's nanny is outside Lynette's door.

Veronica: "That's okay. My nanny is here with my son. I need to go feed him anyway."

Lynette: "Perfect! Take your time." (into the phone) "Hey, honey. How's the Big Apple treating you? Good. Did those, uh, snooty clients like your pitch? Well, that's perfect. Excellent."

Lynette looks out her office. She sees Veronica walking a five-year-old child toward her office. Lynette seems shocked.

Lynette: "Uh-huh. Um, I'm... I'm, um... I'm gonna have, I'm gonna call you back."

Lynette hangs up and watches as Veronica closes her office blinds. Lynette walks over to Veronica's office, trying to see inside. There is a crack in the blinds. Lynette sees Veronica nursing her five-year-old son. Ed walks by and looks to see what Lynette is looking at.

Ed: "Oh, my god!"

Lynette squeals and they both walk away quickly.

Andrew's Room

Andrew and his attorney are sitting on the bed talking. Bree walks in with a tray.

Bree: "Hello there! I thought you and your friend might like some snacks."

Andrew: "He's my lawyer and this is privileged communication, so get out."

Mr. Bormanis: "Andrew, there's no need to be rude. This is very kind of you, Mrs. Van de Kamp."

Bree: "Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculousemancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches."

Andrew: "You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him."

Bree: "Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet."

Bree leaves the room.

Andrew: "You have got to get me out of here. That bitch is driving me crazy."

Mr. Bormanis: "This case is not a slam dunk. Her drinking was supposed to be our silver bullet, but since she joined AA..."

Andrew: "We've gotta do something, because if she wins, she's gonna own me."

Mr. Bormanis: "My advice? Convince her it's in her best interest to let you go. You don't wanna see the inside of a courtroom."

Andrew: "Why?"

Mr. Bormanis: "In family court, appearance means everything. If she came off abusive or stoned or even uncaring, we'd be in good shape. But if there's one thing your mom understands..."

Andrew: "It's presentation."

Mr. Bormanis takes a bite of his sandwich, holding his hand underneath it to catch any crumbs.

Betty's Living Room

Betty is playing the piano when Matthew walks in.

Matthew: "Can I borrow fifty dollars?"

Betty: "Purse."

She stops playing as he gets her wallet out of her purse and hands it to her.

Betty: "Why do you want so much money?"

Matthew: "I'm nineteen. Sometimes I need money. Do I have to be interrogated?"

Betty: "You do if you want a dime out of me. What's it for?"

Matthew: "Danielle's having her birthday next week. I just wanna be sure I can get her a decent present."

Betty: "Write her a poem. It's free."

She continues playing. Matthew bangs on the piano.

Betty: "Is there something else you want?"

Matthew: "Do you think I like to beg for money? I do this because you won't let me get a job."

Betty: "Looking after your brother is a full-time job for both of us and you know that."

Matthew: "Well, screw him!"

Betty: "Matthew!"

Matthew: "No, I'm serious, mom, because we have both put our entire lives on hold, and for what? It's been almost a year and he hasn't gotten any better."

Betty: "I see him improving!"

Matthew (yelling): "That's because you see what you wanna see! It is time to put him away, mom. Just let some professionals take care of him. We wouldn't have to move. We could have our lives back."

Caleb comes downstairs.

Caleb: "What's wrong? You fighting?"

Betty: "No, sweetie. Matthew's friend, Danielle, has a birthday coming up. We were just talking about what gift to give her."

Matthew: "Well, I was thinking jewelry...so fifty bucks should do it."

Betty pulls a bill out of her wallet and hands it to Matthew.

Betty: "Why not twenty? You don't wanna spoil her."

Parcher & Murphy - Conference Room

The staff is gathered around the table when Veronica's son, Donovan, walks in.

Lynette: "On page six is an example of the new print ad. Check it out."

Donovan: "I'm thirsty."

Veronica: "Oh, shh, honey, everyone's working. I'm sorry. This'll just take a sec."

Veronica walks out with her son.

Ed: "Is it just me or is that bizarre?"

Jerry: "It's bizarre. Totally bizarre."

All the men in the room throw down the bagels they were eating.

Ed: "We gotta make her stop this."

Lynette: "Hey, don't get me wrong, I find that as bizarre as you guys do, but right now this firm needs Veronica more than she needs us. Telling a mother how to raise her kids is an act of war. We will lose her."

Ed: "The kid is five. It's disgusting!"

Lynette: "Yeah, well we'll just ask her to keep the blinds always drawn when she nurses."

Ed: "We still know what's going on in there. It's a distraction. And god forbid a client sees her."

Lynette: "Okay, so who's gonna tell her?"

Ed: "You're a woman. It's easier for you to talk to her about milk and boobs and stuff."

Lynette: "No! No, uh, please. Don't make me do it. Why don't you have Jerry tell her?"

Jerry: "I made a pass at her yesterday. It'd be weird."

Ed: "You could do it without offending her. Come on, Lynette. Take one for the team."

Lynette: "Okay, but for the record, the team is made up of wimps."

Ed: "Well, the team's aware of that and accepts your loathing."

Gabrielle's House

Gabrielle is pouring a glass of milk and Carlos is on the phone.

Carlos: "Yeah? Hi. No, no, no. We were just out buying some stuff for the baby. What's up? Seriously. Okay. Thanks for calling."

Gabrielle: "What is it?"

Carlos: "That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents."

Gabrielle: "Why?"

Carlos: "Because we're Mexican."

Gabrielle: "What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested."

Carlos: "It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it."

Gabrielle: "No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin."

Carlos: "We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance."

Gabrielle: "Well, that's different."

Carlos: "Why?"

Gabrielle: "Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people."

Carlos: "Let's not fight about it. It's over. Let's just move on to the next one."

Gabrielle: "No. No, no, no. I want that woman's baby, and I'm gonna get it."

Carlos: "And just how are you gonna go about doing that?"

Gabrielle: "Well, first of all, I'm gonna show her one of our tax returns. Once she sees how much money we have, I have a hunch we're gonna look a whole lot whiter."