When Jennifer Wallace realized her marriage was over, the very first person she called was her mother. During that initial conversation -- and each morning for weeks afterward as she drove to work -- she poured her heart out about her anger, embarrassment and despair.

But it wasn't until four years later (long after she had divorced, changed jobs and remarried) that she talked about the experience with her father.

In a lifetime of difficult male-female conversations, some of the toughest can be the ones between fathers and adult daughters -- especially when there is a problem in the daughter's life.

Ms. Wallace, 29, an executive and personal assistant in Los Angeles, says she always knew her father loved her dearly. When she was growing up, he praised her often, ate dinner with her each night and attended every track meet, play and debate team event she participated in. These days, he is her go-to person for career advice.

Yet at the time of her divorce, she and her dad had never discussed personal problems -- hers or his -- and she found it impossible to bring up such a sensitive topic with him. 'I felt that he would have been deeply, deeply sad,' says Ms. Wallace. 'And I felt that he wouldn't know what to do with me.'

Her dad says she is right: 'I needed to protect my princess" target="_blank" title="n.公主；王妃；亲王夫人">princess, but I failed,' says Bruce Wray, 58, a marketing manager for a bar-code company in St. Paul, Minn. 'I wasn't there being Prince Valiant, preventing her mistake.'

Why is it so hard for a grown woman to bare herself emotionally to a man she's loved all her life? And why would a man have trouble discussing something sensitive with a woman he helped raise?

You can partly blame Mom. It's her job to be the emotional center of the family. If her children -- and especially her daughters -- aren't coming to her with their problems, she feels she's failed. And she often guards this position jealously. (Ever phoned home to talk to your parents, only to have Mom monopolize the call?)

Despite their best intentions, dads often still view their daughters -- adult women with professions and relationships and children of their own -- as vulnerable 6-year-old girls.

And daughters often idealize their fathers, still seeing them as all-powerful, strong and strapping 35-year-old men. They stopped telling Daddy their secrets right around the time that they got their first crushes. And now, if their problem is so much bigger than a skinned knee or an insult on the playground, what can their father -- their great protector -- really do?

But most dads desperately want the opportunity to guide and advise their daughters. They're just not always good at talking about emotions.

Fathers from the 'greatest generation' down to the baby boomers came of age at a time of vastly different expectations. These are men who never heard of helicopter parenting.

They were taught that boys don't cry, that men fix things and males show their affection to females with gifts, by being protective or by proving helpful.

'Your father has as much empathy as your mother, but he has been trained not to focus on your feelings because that will only make you feel worse,' says Linda Nielsen, professor of adolescent and educationalpsychology at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C., who teaches a course on fathers and daughters.

(Not surprisingly, a father's reluctance to discuss emotional issues is not typically a problem for a son. Sons understand that their dads want to brainstorm a solution, not discuss their feelings for an hour.)

What are a father and daughter to do if they don't even speak the same emotional language?

After Susan Bloch's father retired, he began writing poems for his daughters -- for birthdays, after a visit, when one of their dogs died, even to address his own eventual death. She says these poems have helped her feel much closer to her dad. 'Now I understand what is in his heart,' says Ms. Bloch, 58, an artist who lives in Eureka, Calif. 'I know that no matter what I tell him he will feel what I feel and be able to respond in a way that will move me and help me.'

'The poems make me feel less vulnerable,' says Bob Bloch, 87, a former engineer. 'I am not facing her so I don't have an opportunity for my voice to crack.'

Elizabeth Bernstein

• executive [ig´zekjutiv] a.行政的 n.行政官 (初中英语单词)
• assistant [ə´sistənt] n.助手；助理；助教 (初中英语单词)
• debate [di´beit] n.&v.讨论，辩论 (初中英语单词)
• career [kə´riə] n.经历；生涯；职业 (初中英语单词)
• divorce [di´vɔ:s] n.离婚 vt.同....离婚 (初中英语单词)
• princess [,prin´ses] n.公主；王妃；亲王夫人 (初中英语单词)
• manager [´mænidʒə] n.经理；管理人；干事 (初中英语单词)
• prince [´prins] n.王子；亲王；君主 (初中英语单词)
• partly [´pɑ:tli] ad.部分地；不完全地 (初中英语单词)
• emotional [i´məuʃənəl] a.易动感情的；情感的 (初中英语单词)
• insult [in´sʌlt, ´insʌlt] n.&vt.侮辱；损害 (初中英语单词)
• advise [əd´vaiz] vt.忠告；建议；通知 (初中英语单词)
• helicopter [´helikɔptə] n.直升飞机 (初中英语单词)
• affection [ə´fekʃən] n.友爱；慈爱 (初中英语单词)
• solution [sə´lu:ʃən] n.解答；解决；溶解 (初中英语单词)
• writing [´raitiŋ] n.书写；写作；书法 (初中英语单词)
• respond [ri´spɔnd] v.回答；响应；有反应 (初中英语单词)
• initial [i´niʃəl] a.最初的 n.首字母 (高中英语单词)
• lifetime [´laiftaim] n.一生，终生，寿命 (高中英语单词)
• sensitive [´sensitiv] a.敏感的；感光的 (高中英语单词)
• seeing [si:iŋ] see的现在分词 n.视觉 (高中英语单词)
• playground [´pleigraund] n.操场；运动场 (高中英语单词)
• desperately [´despəritli] ad.绝望地；拼命地 (高中英语单词)
• educational [,edju´keiʃənəl] a.教育(上)的 (高中英语单词)
• psychology [sai´kɔlədʒi] n.心理(学) (高中英语单词)
• embarrassment [im´bærəsmənt] n.窘迫；困惑；为难 (英语四级单词)
• dearly [´diəli] ad.深深地(爱等)；昂贵 (英语四级单词)
• valiant [´væliənt] a.勇敢的，英勇的 (英语四级单词)
• protector [prə´tektə] n.保护者；防御者 (英语四级单词)
• vastly [´vɑ:stli, ´væstli] ad.巨大地；广阔地 (英语四级单词)
• protective [prə´tektiv] a.防护的；保护贸易的 (英语四级单词)
• surprisingly [sə´praiziŋli] ad.惊人地；意外地 (英语六级单词)
• reluctance [ri´lʌktəns] n.不愿；勉强 (英语六级单词)
• retired [ri´taiəd] a.退休的；通职的 (英语六级单词)