Ric Morgan was in a receiving line at a fancy dinner honoring him for his nonprofit work. He was shaking hands with ambassadors and other Washington dignitaries when an elderly lady came up and congratulated him. After chitchatting for a moment, she placed her hand lightly on his chest, leaned in and said, 'You certainly do dress well . . . for a fat man.'

Ouch.

'I was already saying thank you,' says Mr. Morgan, a 59-year-old motivational speaker from Gatlinburg, Tenn., who adds that the remark has stuck with him for years. 'Why did she have to add that last part?'

Ah, compliments. We crave them, especially from certain people. We bridle when we don't receive them and chafe when they are backhanded. We often have trouble accepting them graciously" target="_blank" title="ad.仁慈地，和蔼庄重地">graciously. Yet we remember the good ones, and the bad ones, for a very, very long time.

As children, most of us were taught by our mothers and teachers that offering up a flattering" target="_blank" title="a.谄媚的；奉承的">flattering remark to someone else is easy. Sadly, that was a lie. In the real world, there's a fine art to giving -- and receiving -- a well-tailored compliment.

Interestingly, when I asked people for examples of compliments they have received, many remembered the faulty ones. Like these beauties:

'That dress looks better on you every year.'

'What a cute skirt. Is it pleather?'

'You short people sure are intelligent.'

'You must have been really pretty when you were young.'

'You look like Kevin Spacey.'

Clearly, there are times when a backhanded compliment really is a stab in the back. But there also are occasions when an awkward bit of praise may be sincere and well-intentioned.

A few weeks ago, Jeanette De Renne went car shopping. She told the salesman that she and her husband wanted something with room for a car seat, because she was 5 1/2 months pregnant.

The salesman's response? 'Wow, I wouldn't have guessed that you were pregnant.'

The first thought that came into Ms. De Renne's mind was: 'So I'm just fat?' She says this was followed quickly by: 'Was I not big enough?'

On the way home, she finally realized that the man was simply trying to flatter her. 'Why was I overanalyzing it?' says Ms. De Renne, 30, of Del Rio, Texas, a senior planner for an architecture and engineering firm.

This brings us to Lesson No. 1 about compliments: We often hear what we want to hear. If we are feeling secure -- say, we've just done a fine job at work, lost weight or had a good hair day -- it's easy to register the praise. But at times when we're mired in self-doubt -- or if the comment hits one of our buttons -- we can get it all wrong.

Jon Jenz, 39, knows how hard it is to accept praise. As a pastor at a church in Tyler, Texas, it is part of his job to lead the congregation in song. 'I would often receive a compliment like, 'That is the best you have ever done that song,'' he says. 'Those are kind words and likely came from the overflow of someone's heart. But what I heard was, 'That was the first time I actually enjoyed that song.''

His solution? He went into therapy. 'I learned to actually listen to the person giving the compliment, because that compliment is often more about the giver than the receiver,' he says.

Lesson No. 2: We have an easy time accepting compliments from the people we crave them from: peers (they know how hard our job is), bosses (we hope to impress), the opposite sex (ditto), wives (research shows men need more affirmation at home because they get less of it elsewhere), even strangers (assuming they have no hidden agenda and are not car salesmen).

But there are others -- including, sometimes, our loved ones and closest friends -- that we have trouble hearing.

My mom will be delighted to tell you all about this. Recently, I told her about a flattering" target="_blank" title="a.谄媚的；奉承的">flattering note I'd received from an old (male) friend. And she shrieked in exasperation: 'For years, I've been telling you what he just said, but you never bother to listen to me.' (Funny, my best friend had the exact same response.)

So why are we often deaf to the nice things said by the people who love us most?

It's simple, really: They idealize us, according to Prudence Gourguechon, a psychiatrist who is president of the American Psychoanalytic Association. 'If they are doing their jobs right, moms, friends and spouses love you unconditionally,' she says. 'So there is a lot of grade inflation.'

Why are compliments so complicated? It's often hard to strike a balance. If you're seeking to praise someone, you might be tempted to overdo it. But your compliments can be devalued if you pump them up too much in either quantity or quality.

But what if you're not good at lavishing someone with praise? How do you learn?

Try practicing. That's what Tammera Gunning taught her daughter and stepdaughter. When the girls were 10 years old, they often spent their days together sniping at each other. Finally, Ms. Gunning handed one of them a pair of dice and told her that the number she rolled would be the number of compliments the girls would have to give each other.

The 'game' started smoothly. One girl said: 'I like the shirt you are wearing today.' The other girl replied: 'I like when you are here for your weekends.' But then came the stinger: 'I like when you are not here.'

Uh-oh. Ms. Gunning immediately told the girls they had to double the number of compliments they previously owed each other. 'By the time we got done with our compliments, the fights were over and there was harmony at last,' says Ms. Gunning, 50, a retailassociate in Irving, Texas.

Still need some help with compliments? Try these tips on giving and receiving them graciously" target="_blank" title="ad.仁慈地，和蔼庄重地">graciously:

-- Be sincere. (Enough said.)

-- Be selective. Think Goldilocks: You don't want your compliment to be too big or too small. You want it to be just right.

-- Be specific. Don't say: 'You look pretty today.' Say: 'That sweater really brings out the color of your eyes.'

-- Show impact. Tell the person how they have positivelyaffected you. So instead of 'I like your column today, Elizabeth, try: 'Your story made me run right out and compliment a stranger.'

-- Just say thank you. When you receive a compliment, be gracious, not self-deprecating. Take the remark for what you want it to be. And don't worry about praising the person in return. It's a compliment, not a volley.

-- Praise yourself. If all else fails and no one is lavishing you with praise, do what my dad taught me to do: Pat yourself on the back.

Elizabeth Bernstein

• lightly [´laitli] ad.轻微地，稍微 (初中英语单词)
• speaker [´spi:kə] n.演讲人；代言人 (初中英语单词)
• sincere [sin´siə] a.真挚的；直率的 (初中英语单词)
• flatter [´flætə] vt.阿谀，奉承；胜过 (初中英语单词)
• register [´redʒistə] n.&v.登记簿 (初中英语单词)
• comment [´kɔment] n.&v.评论；评注；注意 (初中英语单词)
• actually [´æktʃuəli] ad.事实上；实际上 (初中英语单词)
• solution [sə´lu:ʃən] n.解答；解决；溶解 (初中英语单词)
• hidden [´hid(ə)n] hide 的过去分词 (初中英语单词)
• bother [´bɔðə] v.打扰 n.麻烦(事) (初中英语单词)
• complicated [´kɔmplikeitid] a.结构复杂的；难懂的 (初中英语单词)
• harmony [´hɑ:məni] n.调合，协调，和谐 (初中英语单词)
• associate [ə´səuʃieit] v.联合a.同伴的n.伙伴 (初中英语单词)
• column [´kɔləm] n.柱；柱状物；纵队 (初中英语单词)
• gracious [´greiʃəs] a.和蔼可亲的；任慈的 (初中英语单词)
• saying [´seiŋ, ´sei-iŋ] n.言语；言论；格言 (高中英语单词)
• bridle [´braidl] n.(马)笼头；束缚 (高中英语单词)
• offering [´ɔfəriŋ] n.提供；礼物；捐献 (高中英语单词)
• flattering [´flætəriŋ] a.谄媚的；奉承的 (高中英语单词)
• compliment [´kɔmplimənt] n.敬意 vt.赞美；祝贺 (高中英语单词)
• awkward [´ɔ:kwəd] a.笨拙的；为难的 (高中英语单词)
• salesman [´seilzmən] n.店员；推销员 (高中英语单词)
• response [ri´spɔns] n.回答；响应 (高中英语单词)
• senior [´si:niə] a.年长的 n.前辈 (高中英语单词)
• architecture [´ɑ:kitektʃə] n.建筑术；建筑学 (高中英语单词)
• engineering [,endʒi´niəriŋ] n.工程技术；工程学 (高中英语单词)
• pastor [´pɑ:stə] n.牧师 (高中英语单词)
• overflow [´əuvəfləu] v.(使)泛滥 n.泛滥 (高中英语单词)
• learned [´lə:nid] a.有学问的，博学的 (高中英语单词)
• smoothly [´smu:ðli] ad.光滑地；顺利地 (高中英语单词)
• previously [´pri:viəsli] ad.预先；以前 (高中英语单词)
• specific [spi´sifik] a.具体的；特有的 (高中英语单词)
• positively [´pɔzətivli] ad.确实；断然；绝对 (高中英语单词)
• elderly [´eldəli] a. 较老的，年长的 (英语四级单词)
• graciously [´greiʃəsli] ad.仁慈地，和蔼庄重地 (英语四级单词)
• trying [´traiiŋ] a.难堪的；费劲的 (英语四级单词)
• congregation [,kɔŋgri´geiʃən] n.集合；团体 (英语四级单词)
• delighted [di´laitid] a.高兴的；喜欢的 (英语四级单词)
• prudence [´pru:dəns] n.谨慎；慎重；节俭 (英语四级单词)
• retail [´ri:teil, ri´teil] n.&a.&v.零售(商品的) (英语四级单词)
• sweater [´swetə] n.毛线衫 (英语四级单词)
• faulty [´fɔ:lti] a.有毛病的；有故障的 (英语六级单词)
• impact [´impækt] n.影响，作用；冲击 (英语六级单词)
• affected [ə´fektid] a.做作的；假装的 (英语六级单词)